To preface this, I did try to kill myself jn December 2021 by attempting to walk into traffic. Nothing happened apart from a very traumatic stay inpatient in a psych hospital that affected my entire 2022. I was fired, via text message to my wife while I was inpatient. This was the 4th job I had lost to my mental health or physical health in the time span of a year. This caused me to file for disability which later lead to my getting a lawyer for it etc. I did and tried everything.

In 2022 I had 5 surgeries one of which was emergency. I also started testosterone as a trans individual. In 2023 I’ve had one planned surgery and an emergency surgery with 3 day hospitalization. I had a migraine that caused and mimicked every symptom of a stroke. It took me several months to get my speech back. I had to have a lumbar puncture for diagnostic purposes and an MRI tomorrow.

I have bipolar, borderline personality disorder, CPTSD, PTSD, major anxiety, major depression and known panic attacks. One of my biggest triggers is a bunch of things going wrong at once. It suffocates me and I can’t breathe or function.

This week… my girlfriend, who is long distance, went back home after her stay for thanksgiving. Saying goodbye is really hard and I was super down from that. Then I received a letter that my appeal after my hearing for disability was denied. My lawyer told me that was the end of the line for a claim that dragged on for 2 years and I’d lose all backpay. After that, my wife’s insurance I’m on (my wife and I are both polyamorous) has an exception in it that refuses any and all trans healthcare including my T. I had some other health issues I was trying to treat caused from HRT and the insurance blocked covering the prescription… making it unaffordable at the price of $600. It was not an easy or light decision, but I decided to come off of T. After that, it seems trivial, but I went to do laundry and my washer broke. Add to that my girlfriend and her roommate moved apartment units and as she only uses WiFi on an old phone to communicate I’ve not been able to get more than a few words once a day from someone I talk to daily for hours and someone I love fiercely with all my heart and worry about. She lost her job right before thanksgiving and her roommate doesn’t have a job and she feels obligated to take care of help roommate out… however, she doesn’t have money now. They’re out of food. She’s selling her possessions to try and get the money she owes the landlord and I have no idea what she’s going to do to afford her car payment in a couple weeks. And I know she’s sick and no longer has insurance or the money to even go get medicines. The plan was for her to move here this year in the spring after she was sure roommate was settled and had another roommate. But my wife is totally ready to drive there and get her and move her in asap and let her drive her car if need be and help her get a job etc and let her catch back up. I’m just afraid she’s going to be stubborn about the roommate who I feel is pulling her down into a bad situation until they’re both on the streets and I won’t have any way of talking to her or finding her. It kills me and all I’m doing is worrying.

I have found myself crying and staring at a wall dissociating for hours. I sleep and I either don’t eat or I eat too much. I keep my phone nearby never knowing when she’s going to be able to message. Everything has been going so well, so happy and really great and hopeful plans for the future and next year. Now this. Everything has stopped and exploded in my face and every part of me is scared, upset and sad. I’m worried. I can’t stop worrying. Nothing is reassuring me. When I cry I may as well be choking and feeling like I’m dying.

I don’t want to die. I don’t want to leave her or my wife or animals but my ideations have gone from “I don’t want to exist anymore” to “maybe I won’t wake up” to “if I take these pills or do this then I won’t have to feel this way anymore.” I’m getting scared. I don’t want to do anything but the thoughts won’t stop. I’m scared to go to the hospital because I had such a horrible time in inpatient and I don’t want to further block my contact with my girlfriend. I’m tired of how bad this hurts. How worried I am. How helpless I feel. How removed from the situation. How I feel like less than a human being. How defeated. How scared. How angry. How sad. I can’t get it to stop and it gets worse and louder every day.