there’s been like 3 suicides this year at my school and i just feel like maybe now’s my chance to not be considered a “big deal”? like ill just be another one. not the only one. it’s kind of reassuring. idk.

i just feel nothing but loneliness nowadays. my mother is disappointed in me, i have a gambling/spending problem, i barely try in my classes anymore, i get interrupted by my online friends and ignored by my irl friends.

i think the worst part is that ill always have hope. i’ve always been that way. through everything im always hoping for something. but i want to escape the cycle. i know for the rest of my life it’ll be phases of depression and then phases of happiness. i worry how it ends. i worry ill be in situations that are even harder to escape when im older and in a more stable part of my life.

what then?

everything seems to fall apart. i can’t bear to heal just to lose it all again