Let’s preface this post by saying that I won’t delete what I write. I’ll hold myself to that.

I’m running hot. Hateful. Angry. I’m reinventing and finding myself. I have been. All these minor joyful moments come with a sour taste in my mouth.

I spent my birthday, their birthday, thanksgiving, Halloween, 4th of July, two exes’ bdays (both broke up less than a year ago however total dating time over adult life for both was about 4 years apiece) and missed my only sibling’s 40th bday as well. Even my parent’s bday. I’m going to miss Xmas. I’ve been alone this whole while.

My phone remains silent. No communication. Partially my fault as I’ve gone LC and NC with many people. Work has cut hours. I tried to help someone with a drug problem. I’ve no one to talk to anymore. I even abandoned all social media including my main Reddit account as of last December.

I guess im just venting. But it’s hard not to feel cold and alone.

Rediscovering music and media over the quiet moments make me want to share them. But to who?

I remember helping someone who has kids through their divorce and using the words from one piece - I would say “I know you’ve lost so much, but look at your hands. Remember what you have left.” And I genuinely helped them through the grief until they decided to return to their life.

I say that to say this. I look at my hands and see nothing but me. I have nothing left. All I have left is a plushy fox named Jardin (garden in French) that I vent to on my seven mile round trip walk to work sometimes. He stays in my back bag maybe to just keep myself accountable. I had dogs before - I’d never end my life bc of them and with Jardin I can trick myself into feeling responsible.

I have nothing and no one. I’m starting to feel like I’ll crack one day. With temperatures dropping into that 30s Fahrenheit, I have to find a new job. I haven’t been eating more than once a day bc I can’t afford it either. Things are dire.

It’s time to start seriously considering what I’ve known for awhile. I’ll either sink or swim. My ex - I’d lift them up and say a 10 knows a 10. But with each week I’m getting more beat down. It’s been maybe four months since I got a text from someone besides work.

Surely. Surely life has to offer more. But I can’t keep on this path. I don’t want to quit. I’m a fucking amazing person. I want to laugh and have fun. Life is so wonderful. But I can’t reach the surface and am drowning. I am a seven time survivor of failed attempts, and a DV and SA survivor as well.

I just want my forever person or to look at my hands and see what I have beyond me. I’ve never been alone like this. It’s toxic as hell. I know I have a way out. I don’t want it though. All I want is to go home to my ex. It’s been over a year since that day. Yet. I still see them in my mind perfectly. I know they’ve moved on - surely. But. It’s all I want. 18 years of them in my life, I know they’re my twinflame or purple person or soul mate. If I could learn to be okay on my own or find someone new… but idk. I’m tired now. Even if no one reads this, I’m not going to quit yet. I don’t see a way out though.

Thanks for letting me vent.