Can’t deny I think about it. 1 or 2 more extra steps, and that truck or bus will make everything stop. Put my foot down and not take the next bend in the road on the way home, and that will make the loneliness go away. Who will look after my blind and disabled mother? I don’t even know if I care anymore. Whomever they are, they will do a better job of it than I can. I’m forty fucking seven, have never had friends, never been on a date, never been hugged, haven’t held hands, haven’t had my first kiss … let alone do anything else. Have tried the dating sites and apps endlessly for years and years, meetup is useless, have worked, studied, volunteered, joined interest and hobby groups, sports groups and gym, and hardly ever even got a reply to a hello. Even the therapist I go to … the 25th one since I was 15 … says she is out of ideas of what might help and work. I was diagnosed earlier this year as having medication and therapy resistant situational depression. The situation is the loneliness. I’ve had pets, and they aren’t human connections. I’m so sick and tired of being told to go and pay for something, anything. Pay someone to have a conversation. Pay someone to go and have a coffee with. Pay someone for a hug. No. That’s not what I want, and not what I deserve either. But I just want this fucking loneliness to fucking stop!