i used to think there was no way god existed because my life was so bad and if there was a god why would he let me suffer like that. abused from childhood. never truly having a home or a place to fit in. i finally found my home with a man who ended up abusing me. there was just no way a god who is so good would allow that.

i'm unfortunate enough nowadays to have no income and i'm on EBT for me and my son. i have had my benefits since the last week of september and every single week i end up losing my card. earlier this week i made a conscious note of where i put my card and promised myself i would not lose it. i have not touched it since monday. and it's gone. just poof vanished. the only way i can make sense of this is that god is punishing me. for what i don't fucking know. i try so hard to be a good person. i try and try and do my absolute best and i still always get the fucked up end of the stick. i just don't understand. like was i fucking hitler in my past life or something to deserve such a life of pain and disappointment wherever i go? i don't understand.