I'm 27 going to be 28 this year. White male. American. I have been in therapy since my earliest memories. Bullied in school. Abused by my father for years. My mom was nonexistent for the most part because of her drug abuse. Looked like a happy upper middle class family to everyone. Typical happy Christian family. Unlike many that I have heard of that go through what I did. I remain a Christian. Which a lot of people find odd but anyway. Even though when I was 10 I saw him yelling at her how he started yelling at me before the abuse started. So I would do something I knew would turn his anger on me. So that she wouldn't have to go through what I did on a weekly basis. Down the line he would start spoiling her giving her whatever she wanted. And when I wouldn't give into her little demands I would be treated like shit by her. He would let her and this is the thanks I get for making sure he never laid a hand on her.

Really right now my problem and reason I'm speaking out on this is my relationship issues. Really my inability to get into a relationship. As I said I have been in therapy pretty much all my life. And it really doesn't seem like it has ever helped at all. In middle school my first crush. I mentioned it to my mom and my father heard. He just instantly assumed I was sleeping around. Which isn't a "Christian" thing to do. So he beat me. And each day after school he asked if I liked her. If I said no he said he knew I was lying and would beat me worse. After a month of it. He hit my back and chest to not show marks or at least to hide them more easily. But after a month or so I went off and yelled at him I believe I said something along the lines of he is just mad because he hasn't ever loved anyone. And he got more mad than I had ever seen him. I remember him hitting me in the face twice. Then just waking up in my room. My face was swollen and I couldn't open my left eye. My mom was icing me crying. For a while I resented her for never helping. Not like she could. He is 6' 6" 300lbs. But he pulled my sister and I both out of school homeschooling us a year. Just gave the excuse that we wanted to give it a try. He realized he lost control and would get found out.

Whenever he drove anywhere I had to go with him and would witness his extreme road rage. Screaming about how he is going to murder people, destroy their car, go after their family. When from my recollection nothing even happened. We could be the only ones on the road going somewhere and he would be screaming angry. When my mother and him actually split up I had just graduated highschool. I worked in a warehouse while she delivered pizzas. I mounted the wheels and tires for semis. In a 100 degree warehouse for 16 hours a day. There where times when thrusday we worked 20 hours. Went to eat out and came back to work. To work a 24-28 hour shift spanning into Saturday. Because like me it was full of people that didn't have a choice. I did this from 19 to 27. I quit that job early this year. My mom and sister can take care of themselves now. Mom went to school for nursing in home care. Sister has a good job in aero space.

But with my fear of driving because of my father and my general extreme fears that I have it's rough. I never learned to drive. Have no one to teach me. At least that will take the time I need to get comfortable with it. It's always "You're old enough to take the test. Let's go driving one weekend then go take the test." I'm going to likely need months to learn. Just being in a car makes me hyperventilate. Just sitting in the driver's seat and starting the car made me vomit in fear last time I tried practicing. And then my social skills. I don't trust people. It takes forever to open up. And I avoid meeting people. I want to meet. But I don't know how. And I'm not here for the crappy advice people give. "Go out, go to clubs, coffee shops, malls, etc." When I simply have a crush on a woman I get severely sick. Its all mental. Horrible stomach pains I can barely eat. Cramps and muscle pain. Headaches. I can't sleep and am in a nonstop state of panic. My therapist says she believes its a response because of the worst period of my abuse. That my body is trying to protect itself by not anting to pursue a romantic relationship. So the issues I have make these attempts at meeting pointless. Around people in social settings I'm so out of place. Completely uncomfortable and so clearly awkward. In work settings I'm fine. But I have made many attempts in the past. Sometimes I look out the window from my apartment and watch people. I live across the street from a college campus. And I see people holding hands. Hugging. At times kissing. Everyone driving. And I just feel so alien compared to everyone. My family tells me I have so many great traits. Very clean, I workout in my apartment, cook very well, great worker, handsome. But these words mean nothing when I'm evidently so fundamentally different from everyone else. I worked so hard to make sure my mom and sister could get by and have a good life. And I'm glad I did. But this nonstop pain I feel outweighs everything. I want to die so so badly. But in every aspect I'm an enormous coward. And I hate being told that continuing is brave.

I watch and listen to so many people. My friends, family, strangers. And I just don't understand how anyone accomplishes these feats. Marriage, driving so calmly and casually, being a "player", having a vast social life. It's just so crazy to me that these things can happen. I'm at the point that I have to tell myself these things really happen. Because in my head I don't see how these things are possible. Like how do you like someone and survive those feelings? And how does a person like you back? How do you get to a point where you can ask someone to marry you? And get a yes? It's beyond baffling to me. Beyond words I can't describe how much it makes my head hurt and spin trying to understand that these things happen so often and so commonly. I'm just not the same as everyone else. And if I could prevent what has happened to me in my short life. If I could prevent that for anyone else to experience it then I would do what ever it takes. Because I can't bare going on. I'm just too much of a coward not to.