Some context:

I (N24) have had clinical depression, anxiety, ADHD, and possibly other disorders as well for as long as I can remember. I went to school for my passion but dropped out because of emotional problems, been unemployed for months for a similar reason. I’m officially out of a house now, forced to sleep in the back of a Subaru hatchback with dwindling prospects of turning my life around. My family is abandoning me, I’m not able to make any friends, and the future just holds so much unobtainable happiness, I’m just tired of hoping for what will never happen. On Thursday, when my paycheck hits from my brand new job, I’m going to go to my local gun store, buy a piece, and kill myself in the woods with it.

There’s only one wrench in the works: my wife (F20).

We’ve had a pretty intense, bumpy relationship up until now, but she’s the only thing that’s kept me going. She’s the smartest, brightest person I’ve ever met, emotionally mature for her age and gorgeous to boot. She’s my everything, and I would do anything for her… but I’m just at the end, man. I keep making our situation worse with my drug habits and spending money on stupid shit, she deserves better than me. She deserves people (like she already has) who can support her and care for her, people with money and aspirations and basic abilities that a functioning person should have, not me. I’m too much of a failure to bring her rising star down, so I’m going to get out of her way.

She’s able to crash at her parents house this coming week, which gives me my opening to get out of the way. She assures me she doesn’t want me to die, but the writing is on the wall that I need to go. Do you think she will be ok? Do spouses who lose their partners to suicide tend to survive ok after the loss? She has a history of mental health and SA as well, which makes me worried, but I just need to trust that she’ll make it and that she’ll be ok, she’ll be better off after all, because I’ll be gone.

I dunno… her being ok is my only reason to stay, but if she’ll be ok without me then I should just make my exit while I can, for the better of everybody.