I dont think im suicidal I just really wish I was better at doing the right thing. I messed up big time and theres a good chance im gonna lose my ROTC scholarship. Which pretty much means I wont have a way to pay for my appartment which means ill need to work more which might hurt my grades even more which means I might not graduate. I guess thats just what I get for not doing my work. I skipped on a midterm a couple hours ago because I did the math and Im not going to pass this class no matter what. I really screwed the pooch I guess. I just really hate that I've become such a financial burden on my family to go to school and it would be such a big let down if I threw it all away. I think I didnt go to that midterm because I didnt want to show up after not showing up to class or doing any assignments or doing any of the speeches Im just so embarassed. And even more embarassed because my roommates are in that ROTC program too. And I already told so many people Im going to be an officer and theyre all gonna find out not going to be cause Im doing so bad in school. and i just cant imagine their disapointment when i dont, or if i dont even graduate, and end up putting myself in so much debt and my family's money goes to waste. i dont come from a family with any money. my brother pretty much sacrificed his future for me. and I just wanna go away. but i cant cause Id be throwing it all away. but itd be so simple. I keep trying to think to myself that its gonna be okay that if i dont live up to all that its okay but i just cant stop thinking about the simpler option y'know?

I guess I just wanted to rant. tldr Im not doing well in college and I wanna go off myself in the woods but I feel like id be putting to waste a lot of stuff