I, 28 M, have been in a relationship with the love of my life for four and a half years not. I have an engagement ring, and am ready to propose.

Back in February, I was laid off from my job, and lost my health insurance. I got a new job, but it's taken a few months to get insurance (I still don't have it, hopefully in a few weeks).

My mental health has taken a massive downturn since then. I have always struggled with anxiety and depression, and I'm pretty sure I have a personality disorder, but I've been out of therapy for months now because I can't afford it and I have been treating my partner poorly.

I am awful at communication, and I always end up being dismissive and cruel - until hours later when I realize she's right (and she usually is) and try to apologize. Of course this has taken its toll on her and I've been trying to hang onto this relationship by a fucking thread but she's so beaten down and depressed and I'm pretty sure its over.

In addition to that, this is distracting me from my new job and I'm afraid I'm going to lose it.

I've always been agnostic, but I'm finding myself praying to god, which is something I've never done.

My life is falling apart. I don't know if I can handle this anymore. I'm afraid I'm going to kill myself if this relationship ends. And obviously I can't tell her this because that's insanely manipulative and abusive.

I have no support system to help me navigate what I'm doing to her, and how to apologize or make it up to her. I don't know what else to do. If I can't fix this relationship than it's so fucking clear I can't do anything and I'm just worthless.