I have had an amazing life. I have accomplished every goal I have set for myself. I have had everything I ever wanted. I have no real problems in my life. Earlier this month I got engaged to the girl I have been madly in love with for 21 years. We were going to get a house together, I was going to have the family I always wanted... then she backed out of it all.

I have had a couple of cosmetic surgeries trying to be attractive enough for her, and unfortunately it just is not enough. It's funny though because I am the best looking I have been in my life. I am well off and can do anything I want in my life. What is the point though? I have had everything I ever wanted and I am still miserable.

I am laying here in pain from a surgery 2 days ago. Feeling so helpless, worthless and totally alone. I feel like I have no control of anything in my life. I am just so tired and in so much pain. I just went outside and ran a few miles until I couldn't walk anymore and basically collapsed. All to make the pain worse, so I can be in control. I stumbled and cried my way back home. Now I am laying here alone with a gun, knowing I can make all this pain stop right now. I don't know why I wont pull the trigger. It is much easier and less painful than what I am doing to myself right now. I have no one who cares enough to stop me. So I decide to just cry to random strangers on the internet? I am not sure why I am still trying or what I want to happen here.