My dad killed himself when I was a baby by channeling his exhaust into the car. Part of me since I was told 20 years ago always thought was it because I was born..... why did he do it Why did he feel it was the only option. Why didn't he want to see me grow up. Why didnt he ask for help. Why didn't he think about how his family would feel. Why didn't he focus on my older sister and me. Why......

My mind has run through millions of reasons and millions of thoughts of Why. I've blamed him others god you name it. But...I understand in a way... I've thought of it too It's hard not to sometimes.. I don't think I'd have the guts as I know how distraught it makes a family how deep the wounds go. I never even knew him and I know.

At the end I feel its selfish. You don't truly know how deep it will cut people you know or people that love you.

It doesn't end your pain. It simply moves it onto the next person