My life similar to many others, has been pretty shit. Filled with emotional, physical, and sexual abuse. I could go into all the detail but it wouldn't matter. I once attempted to end my life back in college of 2005 when a fraternity brother with asthma decided to find me in the dead of winter in the middle of the woods just as I was attempting to end it all.

Fast forward to 2017, I've been through my marriage where my ex-wife basically used me for providing and only being intimate with me when we wanted to conceive a child. For a few years I was a single father (having full custody) not wanting to get back into the dating scene feeling like I deserved it.

I questioned why shit always went downhill for me, regardless of my effort, changes, growth, etc, I always felt used, and in return I always felt punished for wanting to have more intimacy, whether physical or emotional. My marriage lasted nine long years, and in those nine years I didn't cheat, didn't physically abuse, didn't emotionally abuse. Yet, the moment I showed any sign of weakness or vulnerablity I was belitted, made fun of, and it was used against me.

I was blamed for the destruction of our marriage even though I was cheated on, the moment I lost a job I was told I had better get one or we'd get divorced (regardless of the fact that my wife had barely worked more than a few months in those nine years). It just always felt like everything was riding on my shoulders and that the moment I budged or strained, everything was my fault.

My relationship after that was about a year or so later, here we go, I'm freaking out because my relationship with my fiance is growing into yet again another problem because of me. I'm weak, I need some help, I was dealing with PTSD from the previous marriage and I'm a man who needs to have his shit together for his kids and his future wife. It doesn't matter what I've done or said or would do for her in regards to being a good and supportive partner because no matter how many times my therapist tells me that not everything was my fault and that I am a genuinely good person, the people I love seem to think otherwise.

If we yell, I'm yelling not her, if I fucked up, I'm reminded of it, but if they fucked up, it never happened. If I am crying about something, I need to grow a pair and be stronger, but if they do, I better be a supportive person and allow them all the time they need. She left me just after a friend passed and I lost my job and I wanted to talk to someone who I thought would listen, but I was told she needed space...

Now I am married to my current wife, it's 2023 and it's almost my third anniversary. This year has been the hardest of my life. We've both had a lot of shit happen. However this time, I've done everything in my power to keep the pressure off, getting medication, going to therapy, etc etc and yet, no matter how quick I am to change or do whatever to endure, or how much I take care of her, her kids (I call them mine but we're a blended family) and my children and better myself I'm still fucking it all up because I am weak and vulnerable.

My wife broke my trust last year, and then this year she broke it again, she told me, "When you're weak and vulnerable, I've wanted you less, I'm attracted to you less."

My world shattered. She told me I could open up, be honest, talk about my feelings, communicate and yet.... all it did was made us more distant. All it did was give me confirmation of the entire time of not feeling like I was wanted in the last year or so. It still feels like it, its hard to even talk to my therapist who is a women because I don't know if I am just sounding like a bitch.

Everyday, I just hate existing, because I feel my existence isn't worth it unless I am useful. I take care of my wife and her needs and the children because I love then and give them my all, and yet, my needs aren't met, needs that I can't fulfill on my own because I just want to be wanted, be thought of, be appreciated for me, not for what I do and provide. Those things are natural to me for the people I love. I feel like a used tool, that isn't wanted, it's just sitting in the shed for when it's needed and put back in it's place and charged every once in a while so it can continue to be useful. I don't want to live like this anymore.

There is so much more to tell but this is everything without being a full fucking novel.