A month ago I lied about my suicidal past to get some depression meds online. I’m on Medicaid rn and can’t find a psychologist that is covered by Medicaid.

It was just to tie me over until a job promotion got me insurance which I’m fairly certain I will get. They put me on lexapro. It helped at the start, then stopped helping closer to the end of my supply. In short instead of upping my dose they said I might have a mood disorder and didn’t refill telling me to see a psychologist instead.

I drank the last few days of my medication (dum while on lexapro but I was trying to see it’s effects so I knew my limits and what would happen when o didn’t have to work after drinking). Idk if it’s the drinking, I’ve been on and off suicidal for months but the third night I got super suicidal.

I had taken my last pill the night before, so I had no medication anymore, I was stressed from work, isolated, and I was stressed about my relationship and wether they enjoyed my presence or me anymore or just found me someone good to rant to.

I tried to take my life by hanging myself in the closet. I prepared, wrote notes, wrote info on how to gain access to bank accounts, payed off credit debt, I was ready except being afraid to die. I strangled myself a few times, getting woozy a couple of the times and now I’m really scared because I know a fairly painless method now.

I know I can hang myself because all I need to do is pass out and I’ll be gone. If I get really drunk I know I can do it and though underage I can easily get alchohol.

I think I do have a mood disorder, maybe bod because I’ve been rapidly high and low lately.

I was going to tell my partner that I’d cut myself again and had been suicidal but they mentioned they were stressed about work and we’re having a bad day and I felt I’d make it worse so I just consoled them. I really want them to know because I don’t want to die and laying with them really helps but idk how to tell them. I feel like they’d think I was lying or trying to manipulate them.

I’m trans too and with needing the job insurance so I can get a psychiatrist idk if I can go to in patient or if I’ll be fired as a result and lose long term help and even if I went to in patient last time being trans was stressfully and as a ftm who passes really well I don’t know where I’d be placed and I wouldn’t feel safe on either side.

I’m so fucking scared I don’t want to die but idk if I can do another two months like this.