I’ve been feeling progressively more and more suicidal. I want to tell my partner about this but it feels manipulative. They’re not my therapist so I feel it’s better to keep it to myself but I don’t know what to do.

I’m kinda forcing myself to pretend I’m okay around them because I feel like if I tell them how depressed I actually am and that it’s not just lack of motivation I’ll feel like a burden to them.

I feel like they’re love for me is slipping anyway. They’ve felt weirdly distant now, things just aren’t the same as they used to be. I guess I’m afraid if I share more about my mental illness y value in being low maintenance will be gone and they’ll just leave me.

I keep trying to connect to others but I can’t. I’ve begun to cut myself again and started trying to build tolerance to discomfort.

Im getting closer to actually trying because I can’t see this getting better. I have a job, opportunity for a career, I make good pay, I have a partner, I have a car. I thought these things would fix me, make me feel better and they did for a while but now I’m back to feeling awful and disconnected. Im starting to realize this is likely forever and idk if that’s what I want.

I don’t want this forever.

I may get insurance through my job in a few months. If I do I can talk to a psychiatrist. I think I’ll make it till then, I’m closer to suicide than I have been for a while but not quite ready to go all the way.

I just want to feel better.