Like the title says, I'm really not sure how much longer I can keep on going with life for.

No matter what I've tried, for the most part I haven't felt too happy recently. Sure, there've been points where I've felt happy, but those haven't lasted for too long, and the thoughts I've got keep getting worse and worse. I want to keep on going, but the emotional pain I keep feeling's making that harder and harder for me to do every day. There's even been days where for the most part I just sit in bed and use my phone, as that's all I've really had the motivation to do.

I haven't really felt much of an appetite recently, and if it wasn't for my family I probably wouldn't have eaten anything for a while now, as even if I do end up getting a bit hungry, I don't have the motivation to get out of my room to do anything, on most days I'm basically stuck in my room.

I haven't told my family how I feel, but I've told a few of my friends. Those friends keep saying stuff like "it'll get better" and "people care for me" but if that was the case, why do I usually have to initiate stuff myself whenever I wanna do anything with them? Sure, they're usually happy to do stuff with me, but I have to initiate most stuff myself, and that makes me feel like a burden that people only do stuff with because they feel bad for me.

I wanna try and get out more often, but with the lack of motivation I keep having it feels kinda hard to do that. Most of my friends are online but I wanna try to make more friends I can actually meet in person, as interacting with people and hanging out with them tends to help me feel better. However, outside of going to college I haven't had too many opportunities to meet people in person. Someone suggested that I should try to meet people locally but I haven't really found any local groups for my interests, they're mostly at the other colleges and universities so I can't exactly join those.

I've also been trying to get into a relationship but feel like the only way I can do that is through dating apps as like I mentioned, most friends I have are online only. Sure, I can get matches every so often, but it isn't that common and usually only happens every few weeks, which takes a toll on my self esteem. Even if I do get matches, most of them end up ghosting eventually or we just end up staying friends. It's nice making friends locally as it means actually having people I can hang out with in person, but not being in a relationship keeps on taking a toll on me and I hate that as I can't escape it. I've had the chance to go on one date at least, and for that entire day I ended up being pretty happy, but these dark thoughts I have came back the very next day as I feel like something bad's going to happen to me to balance that out, that bad thing hasn't happened yet but it always does and I'm dreading whatever it is and whenever it's gonna happen, it's only a matter of time.

Thanks to all this, despite the fact I wanna live and do more stuff, my self esteem keeps dropping more and more, making me consider taking my own life more and more seriously. Sure, people say that doing stuff like going to the gym helps, but I really doubt it will. I just feel like a terrible burden to everyone I know, and while they'd probably say that they care for me, I feel like if I actually end it all no one's going to care afterwards, I'll just be dead and they'll all carry on with their lives. Right now I feel like someone I care about's going to end up cutting me out of their life, and it's such a terrible thing to think about but I know it'll happen, most friends I've actually met in person tend to do that which is why I know it'll happen again, no matter what I try I can't avoid losing my friendships with people I've actually met in person, everyone I know in person keeps abandoning me apart from my family. I also keep having a feeling of dread that someone or something's going to try and kill me, so I guess that's a biproduct of how terrible I've been feeling recently?

The main thing stopping me from acting upon any of those thoughts is how painful it'd be to actually do it, especially if it fails but those feelings are starting to disappear, and that scares me. One of my biggest fears is dying alone but I have a good feeling it's going to happen, so that's another thing making me feel this terrible, and I know if I did end up taking my own life it'd mean that I'm right about that, so technically that's stopping me as well? But every day I feel more and more like ending it all would be a great option compared to the emotional pain I feel now, as the physical pain would only be temporary compared to what I'm feeling now.

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I hope someone here can help me, but since the advice everyone else I know's given me hasn't really helped much, I'm not that hopeful. Still though, any comments or messages I get from people here might end up helping me, even if it's only by a slight amount.