My family has a history of suicide. When I was not even a year old my dad killed himself. That was almost 31 years ago now. I've always thought why. Why did he do it Why didn't he get help Why was it after i was born The Why questions burned into my mind since I was told about how he died when I was about 9 I don't remember exactly. I was bullied most of my school years and struggled with some mental issues ADHD and probably others. Got out of school and got a job with mu cousin. My advancement in the job stagnated and i was overlooked and passed over for promotion time and time again while the people who got the promotions left got fired and asked me how to do aspects of the job. I was too comfortable with shift patterns and disliked big changes so I stayed for 11 years. It all finally became too much and I broke down heading into work the next day after getting passed for promotion again.. I got out got a better paid job and within a year got a promotion now earning almost double what I did. One good thing that came from that 11 year mental drain. I met a girl. We started as friends then became more after 2 years and have been together for 9 years now and have a daughter together.

Recently I fucked up. I was depressed alot and threw my mind into fantasy. It spiraled and went dark. Now due to my actions I have hurt both our familys and feel like I don't deserve anything. I have so much regret and self loathing it feels like I'm going to rip it out my chest some days. I hate myself and sometimes hurt myself in small ways. Punching and digging my nails in.

I've thought about suicide but with my history and seeing what it done to my family once before I could never put them through that again. Especially not my daughter. I'd crack the world apart if it would make her smile I'd walk through a wall of flames to save her. Knowing that my suicide would not end my pain that it would simply pass to my family is why I won't take that last step. I've thought WHY for 20 years. I know why now. And it's selfish and part of me hates him for doing it but part of me understands too why my dad done it.

Thanks if anyone even bothered to read this I just needed somewhere to vent a little and get shit off my chest.