Hey don't know if this can be posted here and not sure why I am even putting it up but I guess I wanted to see if people thought I was blaming my dad in this note or if I wasn't owning up to my failures. I want to try and explain everything I am currently feeling to him when I eventually send it to him. I also understand that I may get comments saying suicide isn't an option and you have so much to live for etc. I appreciate the words of encouragement but would like any questions or comments be in regards to the letter and not suicide.

I don't deserve any sort of response and I don't know why I am bothering you but I don't have anyone else really besides some friends who I would fear judging me for being weak and pathetic.

This past week I found out that I am a very unhealthy person. Wednesday 04/05/23 was the start of my down spiral and plans were made and then weighed for practicality. Oddly enough I ended up deciding on VSED which never would have been possible anyways since as time past I would be incapable of preventing an emt from providing iv fluids. But out of my available options I figured it was the potentially least scarring for anya to see. Although I know no matter what it would increase her risk I was hopeful that she would be too young to remember me. I didnt drink or eat anything for roughly 50 hours.

On Friday 04/07/23 I decided to see if someone could potentially change my mind so I sent a message to my psychiatrist and also called 988. In all honesty 988 did nothing to help they seem to enjoy saying the same thing over and over. "I can understand you are in a lot of pain." Blah blah blah.

Still under the assumption both Rachel and Anya would have an easier time without me I was dead set on following through. Knowing that I would eventually collapse from dehydration I texted Rachel explaining that we were over and that I was leaving. I planned to withdraw $400 in cash from a random atm and find a motel or hotel to stay in for a few nights.

I proceeded to get dressed(been working from home) and prepared to leave when Rachel got home. We ended up talking and we figured out a way to potentially save our marriage. I dont think its my place to discuss what we have decided on. I am willing to do and try anything if it will make her happy. But i am not sure if it will work and if it doesn't I have every intention of going through with the VSED which is a "super healthy" reaction to divorce but I have no desire of fighting for custody for my daughter and as I said earlier she is young enough to potentially forget me. I also have no idea who or what I am without her which is also "super healthy."

My psychiatrist is currently looking for a therapist for me and it will most likely take a few months or so for me to figure out if I am OK or not with this new dynamic amd decide on what to do.

The psychiatrist I am seeing is part of a program to perform ect so that could also happen soon. That might help. I have been on 4 or 5 different antidepressants in the past 7 or 8 months trying to find something that is effective. Granted I know I haven't been doing it right since I should also include talk therapy with it but I've always found it annoying to talk to somebody about the feelings I have successfully repressed in an attempt to feel nothing.

Oddly enough texting my feelings is a bit easier not sure why, probably due to my ADHD that let's me just ramble on.

It is a bit odd the clarity and freedom I feel knowing that I might die in a few months. I don't think I would have been able to text you under any other circumstance besides I guess a farewell note.

I don't know why our relationship is the way it is. Maybe I was always searching for some type of motherly love due to the failed relationships I had with my foster mother and biological mother. And because of that I attempted to enter into any type of relationship with a woman to the detriment of myself and those around me. Going so far as to push away eveyone. Or I could just be an asshole who is stubborn and refuses to admit he is wrong. Maybe a little bit of both.

I don't know if you regret adopting me, but I am very appreciative of the chance you took on me even if in the end it resulted in you being hurt. I will say that I was very hurt when you refused to go to Anyas birthday party. I know but don't think I understand the issues you had with Gail. But at the time Rachel and I were flat broke and even having a birthday party for my daughter was stretching our finances dangerously thin, think we failed to pay the electric that month. I would have preferred to have it at your house but it was under construction and since it was going to rain we couldn't have it outside like we had planned. I tried texting you a few times after you said you wouldn't be able to make it, but got no response so I assumed you cut me out. Which I guess was latter reinforced when Rachel texted you about Anya and I getting into an accident that totaled the car and gave me a concussion but we didn't get any response.

I am not trying to place any blame or anything as in the end none of it really matters. What's done is done and sometimes there is nothing we can do to change the results. I am a pretty selfish and manipulative person I have a very hard time telling the truth even to myself and because of that I always look to get as much as I can out of anyone and any situation. I like to think I have changed in the past year or so by trying to be more open and honest about my shortcomings and fears. I'm not sure why I was or possibly still am like that. I don't know if it's just who I am, or if I learned it in foster care. I am not blaming my failures on foster care because if I truly wanted to I could have learned to stop it and change myself. You gave me many opportunities in order for me to do that and maybe it took until I was a father for it to really sink in that I needed to change.

I know they say that suicide is a forever solution to a temporary problem and it isn't really a choice but running away. It's hard to see it that way. Even going beyond the survivors guilt I still feel and has gotten worse since Anya is around the same age as JJ was. The depression alone has not been a temporary problem seeing as I feel like I've had depression since I was 4. Even on medication and talk therapy I don't think I ever felt truly free of my depression. Therefore maybe suicide is a permanent solution to a permanent problem.

But I digress I wanted to write this and just say I am sorry that despite every opportunity and chance you gave I just slapped your hand away. You didn't deserve that and I apologize for it. I don't know if I will send this now or wait till a few months later but I will send it to you once I figure out if this is truly a suicide note or just something to throw in the trash bin.