It somehow feels like everything is going wrong and there's no chance of it stopping. I'm a living, breathing Murphy's law.
At this point I have had 4 near death experiences that happened in really weird ways, a few that legitimately shouldn't have been possible but here we are.
Some of my earliest memories are my parents red-faced screaming each other. I'm pretty sure i was a save the marriage baby. It didn't work. The divorce finalized when i was in the 1st grade. Around then was when i developed severe anxiety that has never really gone away. My mother had primary custody. she had been abusive my whole life, though it took a long time to realize it as it was primarily emotional and psychological abuse, and it escalated when my mom realized i was not cishet. As a result i have complex trauma that i have been continuously working through in adulthood and an endless list of triggers and trauma responses, some of which im not even able to identify. on top of this, i was constantly critisized for my appearance and grew up surrounded by fatphobia. and i was very early on shoved into a caregiver role to take care of my mother's emotional needs, which still is pushed onto me quite frequently. i never learned how to set boundaries because i was basically not allowed to have them. my low self esteem got lower as i grew up because it kept being affirmed. my mother denies any wrongdoing on her end. she thinks she's a perfect parent.
other diagnoses kept popping up throughout my life. i have had horrible depression since i was 13 years old (i'm now 25) and have been suicidal on and off throughout that time. i have diagnosed adhd and undiagnosed autism (professionals won't diagnose me because i mask many symptoms around strangers due to trauma from my home life and from bullying. i grew up believing my only value was accomplishments, and i was pushed to be accomplished in very specific areas. when i couldn't succeed, often because the task was something my brain couldn't actually do, i was shamed.
i was forced into this weird codependence pattern where i was forced to do everything on my own because i was "smart" and should be fine and my mom was much more concerned with taking care of my older brother. i love him a lot but this is part of why he doesn't understand the intensity of my emotional response. when i would eventually burn out, my mom would swoop in like a savior to help me through the problems she caused.
other psychological health issues include BPD and hoarding tendencies. an eating disorder (ARFID) that i need treatment for but can't afford
in regards to my physical health, i lost the genetic lottery big time. flat feet, a bad shoulder and bad ankle by adulthood, multiple gastrointestinal issues that led to a roughly year long period where i was throwing up every day. and now i have an undiagnosed autoimmune condition causing me chronic pain and fatigue. i stopped working last june due to mental health being unmanageable, and as soon as that started improving, this autoimmune issue came into play. i still haven't figured out a job i coould manage, i don't have any money, and i don't qualify for diability. I'm constantly going to doctors appointments, and on multiple occasions have had to deal with medical abuse (literally had a doctor try to tell me that i made up my autoimmune disorder because I'm an anxious hypochondriac.)
my phone and laptop stopped functioning at the same time. i managed to acquire a refurbished laptop with an amazon gift card. i ordered a new phone since i finally qualified for an upgrade. i find out the day i am supposed to recieve it that they are out of stock and i will recieve it in two weeks. they are aware that my current device is nonfunctional. the night before the new delivery date that because my phone bill is not up to date that they won't give me the new phone until i pay them for the service (that i haven't been able to use) which i can't do because my wallet may have been stolen so my debit card is frozen and i can't get a new one yet because i have to wait thirty days from when i updated my address with my bank for 30 days. so i cannot currently pay for anything.
2019-2021 i lost three famiy pets after watching their health slowly decline, my maternal great grandmother, who was the sweetest woman, and my paternal grandmother who i found out in my last interaction with her didn't remember who i was because of dementia.
i have a few good friends but they all live a 3 hour travel time away and i don't get to see them irl often and most i don't interact with often either. I had more friends but over the past few years they've all left, most without any sort of explanation or acknowledgement. I can't really go out to any sort of event, meeting or activity because of my high levels of fatigue. it gets to the point very fast where it is physically painful to stay awake, so most of the time i don't bother going out.
While I've been sinking deeper and deeper into despair and suicidality, i've kept myself going because i have to be here to take care of my 16 year old cat. he is the most important relationship i have ever had. i found out less than a month ago that the symptoms that i took him to the vet for, that had like extremely high likelihood of being easily treatable, is terminal cancer. he's still got some time but it is coming soon enough. in one fell swoop i found out i am going to be losing my best friend, my purpose, and that i may not even be able to keep him from suffering at the end because i have no money.
i had dreams and ambitions that i know now are going to be impossible because of my physical and mental health. i will always be sick. i will always have to worry when the next bout of depression or the next person walking away or the next trauma response will be. I feel like i've failed myself. I do not want to pity myself or do a woe-is-me, but i am completely hopeless. i have been in therapy long term. i've been psychiatrially hospitalized multiple times and hospitalized for physical illness even more. there are more intensive treatments that may help but they are completely out of my grasp due to the cost. i don't feel like i can achieve anything anymore. i no longer can find a purpose and the light at the end of the tunnel is just completely gone. I've used up my allotment of complaining to everyone who would let me. i just don't know what to anymore. it hasn't gotten better yet and i don't think it ever will.