I'm a wishful agnostic. I say this because I am terrified that death is the permanent end of life, and I just feel like I can't live if that's the case because WHAT'S THE POINT?!?

Haha, anyway.

I feel like my entire existence is a cliffhanger for death at all times and I often fantasize about just "get over with it". The only thing holding me back is at the same time I don't want to die and I don't want to scar my family by killing myself.

The problem is THE THOUGHTS WON'T GO AWAY!!!

They weigh on my mind almost every minute of every day and the only relief I get is to actively distract myself with things. But the distractions have NO VALUE and then I end up feeling worthless and frustrated. Then whenever I try to be productive my mind is buzzing with thoughts that I'm wasting my efforts because life is a insignificant blip and has no meaning.

I've tried to have faith, but my mind just CAN'T RATIONALIZE it. It would be such a huge relief to see that there was a merciful life after death or at least that my life had some meaning, but my hope is wavering quite a bit lately and I just don't know how much more I can take.