My history with my suicidal thoughts is complicated. They plagued me for years including being hospitalized against my will twice. I was finally, within the last few years, able to overcome the majority of my dark thoughts due to combination of treating some medical issues, therapy (which was horrible but still managed to help in a small way), and staying busy.

Cue to breaking my ankle a few days ago which has made it so I can't really go anywhere or do anything. Add in a terrible therapist that I had to dump today after losing patience with having to defend my atheism and science literacy/skepticism. He treated those things as if they're the reason for my suffering when there's so many more issues that he never wanted to acknowledge.

That's the super abridged version but it's now gotten to the point where I'm sitting in a dark room by myself all day and feeling like I want to put a gun to my head. Not that that's an option but I'm so sick of feeling seconds from the edge of sanity and grossly misunderstood, at all times.

My therapist today said, if everything is bullshit than nothing is meaningful or worth it. I think he said that to challenge me but it's all in hearing repeatedly in my head. Everything is bullshit and nothing is worth it so why even be alive?