I’m 18, and my brother and sister who are both older have no disabilities. I’m the only child who came out the way I did. The worst part is, my mother had no idea I was disabled until I was born. All the tests were negative. I appeared to be a normal, healthy baby. But I wasn’t. I was born with Spina Bifida myelomeningocele. In short, I cannot use the bathroom without assistive devices, I have chronic back and stomach pain and severe migraines, a learning disability, I’ve had 11 surgeries, I’m on several expensive medications, and I’m in therapy due to having BPD and PTSD.

Since turning 18 and applying for disability, it has hit me just how much of a burden I’ve been on my mother. We’ve always been very well off with her working two jobs that pay well, but we just bought a house and are moving due to my father being an abusive alcoholic, forcing her to quit her job and only work part time. That’s one less income.

We’ve started discussing college, and I expressed that I would like to live on campus instead of with my mother to gain independence. One college I am looking at has much better disability accommodations, is in a more accessible area, and a more prestigious school. The one my mother wants me to attend, due to the price difference, would totally prevent me being able to live on campus due to my disability.

I guess what I’m saying is this has truly put into perspective that I will never get to live for free. I’ve never really considered existence beyond 9 years old. That was my first attempt on my life. But now, I’m planning for college, with no job, and no disability money yet, leeching off my mother. I know nobody is free and kids are expensive, but I’ve seen my medical bills. I’ve calculated how much my expenses on supplies I need just to live are. My mother has paid hundreds of thousands just to keep me living at a basic level.

How much is my life really worth?