My brother was 30 years old and has been gone from Earth for 68 days now. He took his own life in a field a few miles from my mom's house, where we both grew up. With a firearm, we honestly forgot he owned. Yes, that is as terrible as it sounds. Previously before my brother had shown outward signs of depression, or needing help he had bought a lot of firearms, (truly for recreational purposes he had mainly historic and hunting firearms). We would skype and he would show me what he bought, and I would be like dang cool man. I did not really keep tabs on exactly what he had, and also was just in between jobs and normal BS here where I live so I did not pay close attention as I should have. I live in the Midwest and also own firearms but do not have as much money to buy many other than what may be necessary for hunting or fun. My mother lives on the east coast, (where my brother died; divorced parents). My father lives in the midwest near me. Since April of this year, my brother had been mentioning things like he did not know if he wanted to live anymore or that he was so confused. We would talk on the phone every week and he would bounce back, and be more motivated to do things and try and come out of the fog. He was also seeing a girl where he lived that

He used to live in another state and then ended up moving back in with my mom around May when he reached out for help. My mom went and got him and we coordinated a rescue of sorts since we were afraid then something might happen. Things are fuzzy because I am not trying to fight myself about, "exactly", what I thought or did and how it could be different. But my mom said she had taken all the firearms from him and everything was good - they were hidden. My brother would always say things like, "No I would never or could never do that to you guys" when we would ask him sometimes or just talk about his feelings while seeking professional assistance. His previous job put him on a mental health leave instead of firing him, and he was taking time to figure things out which was fine. We had to wait for state insurance to come through, so he was in between things if you will. Things seemed to be getting worse but I did not know what to do, nor did my Mom or Dad. He went to the hospital psych unit once and they discharged him after a day prescribing him various antidepressants. Now it is Mid-July and my brother has taken strides to move completely out of where he was, back in with my Mom, and is going through things at the house and getting things done here and there. I ended up getting into a major accident recreationally and just totally fuc&ed my knee. ACL, Meniscus, etc. Multiple ligament repairs, no total knee replacement. So my ticket to visit, or attempt to is out the door now. I basically tell my Dad we need to do something, we need to get him because I was afraid my mom was burning out and she totally was or was burnt out. Just being there emotionally constantly for someone each day without professional help is hard, if something is wrong. Whatever he was taking was working off and on, come to find out later he was not taking them daily as well.

My parents are divorced, so that is weird to try and get them together as they hadn't talked much, etc. Fast forward to now I am less injured but have a date for surgery, and we got my brother a flight to come to visit the midwest. I guess I let my guard down thinking, good he will be here in two weeks and we can get him the help he needs here. He always mentioned he wanted to move, and that was his underlying plan for his next chapter. I was busy with garden stuff, trying to find a job, and some other failures I was not happy about in my own life that I was just dealing with so we hadn't talked in about a week, or so. We texted, just not called. He went to his friend's farm and had a great evening, and went to a concert with another friend and a band he wanted to see for a while. I was like Awesome! Yes man, live your life and just shit sucks sometimes, excited to see you. We are really close despite living halfway across the country, after high school I just did not like the busy coasts.

That day I noticed he transferred me some crypto, really not weird as he had complained it was stupid and wanted me to turn it around to USD so he could cash it out or try to trade it and get back to him in a day or so. I really should have been like, What?. I called him and called him out on it for him to laugh and say exactly that. I literally said dude you're not going to do anything stupid right, gave him a little respectful pep talk with nice words, and said to call me anytime, (he was going for a walk at the time, and he would not return from). I didn't mean to be quick with him but I was outside gardening, and we were set to video chat in a few hours with my dad so I said I would talk to him later and we would chat! This was the last time we spoke. Our phone call was actually interrupted by my Mom because I had mentioned he was acting, "off", and to please be on guard earlier. He said hold on Mom's calling, want me to call back. I said no because we would just video chat later and I would catch him later on, but said I will ttyl man or something like that and meant it sincerely and nicely, he said okay. He seemed off sure but was also making strides and getting stuff done we never thought he had a firearm so we did not think anything could happen. I guess it is hard not to see him in person, otherwise, perhaps I could have picked up on so much more. I don't blame my mom or anything, I mean he was an adult who wanted to go for a walk. He was really not showing any super outward distress signs at the moment we were just taking it one day at a time..

A few hours later he sent a text to me, my mom, and my dad in a group chat a huge red flag. It was a suicide note, so we sounded the horn minutes later... I don't want to go into all the details but hours later they found his body in a field close by. I called right after he texted, and texted him. I know he saw it because the detectives told me the time he texted 911 to disclose his information.

I feel every day I could have done more, and know I could have. Being injured did not help, and we also thought we were in the clear more because of him coming out and visiting. I feel split now between my two parents. More pressure to succeed than ever, as I have been battling issues and unemployment and dumb shit since 2021 myself. How am I supposed to work a job and not think about how much life kinda sucks now? He was my best friend and adventure, partner. I have friends and have had relationships sure but none of them will ever be able to comprehend I feel.