It’s been almost 10 months to the day since I lost my father to suicide. I am not able to move past it. My relationship with my father was a hard one, and we had basically been estranged for the past 3 years, nearly 4. We had finally started talking again, but my father, suffering from the early stages of Alzheimer’s, was a shadow of himself. I had every intention of doing my best to repair our relationship and be there for my ailing father this year, but on January 20th he took that chance from me. He had lost control of his life, and I try to understand the decision and I cannot, I try to tell myself that he was not in the right state of mind, but in the moment I believe he was. I think he took the easy way out instead of choosing to fight. I have questioned my own actions and not being there for my father, and I will continue to do so. I cannot believe that there was nothing that could have been done, and I, as his oldest son with his namesake, I should have been there for him. The grief and regret is eating me alive and is at the same time gripping my body and mind with paralyzing depression. As I write this I am on week 6 of basically not leaving my bedroom. I have developed some sort of social disorder and just going to the grocery store drives my anxiety through the roof. My credit is destroyed, my vehicle was repossessed and my life is in a shambles….and there is no help. Living with this, for me, has created a whole set of unexpected side effects….I really never thought that I would be crippled to the point of financial ruin. Every time I think I can move past, I can’t figure out how to deal with the present. Has anyone else been here? I am caught in a downward spiral. I want to start something fresh, move on to something new. I have completely lost my passion for what I did and what I was. I don’t know that I really ever thought about how I would deal with a situation like this, or what people deal with after, but it hit me like a train that day and has every day after. It has nearly defeated me.