The darkest day of my year. The one I remember how much I’ve lost, how stupid I’ve been. It’s been 8 years since you left us. Twice the time we spent in high school together, almost half the time I knew you at all. At least I can finally stop wondering if I’ll ever stop missing you this much, I won’t.

After your mom died and you asked me what would ever fill the void she left, I felt guilty for years for telling you that nothing would. That this emptiness was just a part of you now. I didn’t want it to be true, the darkness of it. Now I live with the truth of it everyday and I know I was right. Maybe the void is inescapable and permanently tearing through me, it is true. But I wish I had known that everything else could grow just as powerful with time and attention, too. We could have overcome it all. There was so much more to learn. Instead you’ll haunt me forever.