Have you ever struggled with suicidal thoughts? My brother killed himself nearly 4 years ago now.

Prior to this he always had challenges and in my teens, so did I. Likely more romantic ideation of suicide going through classic teen stuff. I got through it.

Once my brother died, I decided I'd stay alive for my mum and once she was gone, I'd figure out what I wanted. I don't want her going through all that again and she's a good woman. I just want her to be happy for the last few years of her life and that's been my focus.

Admittedly? I haven't grieved. I can't even talk about it. I've buried myself in work. gotten promoted. Bought a bigger house. Volunteered in mental health charities. Took mum on vacations. Pretended he was alive to people at work. Of the people I manage, 2 of them were around at the time and they watch me pretend he lives in LA. I told them that's how I'm coping and they told me to do whatever I need to do to make it less painful.

Then someone who was in rehab with him (like in 2005) messaged me in June. Asking for his number to see how he was. I told him he died. This was the beginning of my downward spiral. I started drinking (i don't drink), not sleeping, and a lot of other self destructive things that's out of character. I worked harder. I got busier. I started doing 1 night a week in a hotel for headspace and basically drank myself to sleep with room service. I tried to feel something. I was numb. I am numb.

I started cutting myself. small at first. infrequent. I've only cut myself 5 times since June. It's small but I've tried to stop. I still don't feel anything.

Last week, I got to a point where I realised I was self sabotaging. But I don't know how to stop it. I rang my works "assistance programme" where they put you in touch with an anonymous counsellor. They didn't say much except to "go to my GP" and spent less than 5 minutes on the phone with me. I cut myself after this. On my wrist. To see how deep I needed to go. It's worth mentioning I did 5 sessions of therapy after my bereavement but it didn't help.

My partner came home and I told him. he was frustrated and I told him I'd sort my shit out. I went away for 2 days on a business trip where I had 2 days in a hotel. It helped give me clarity. On the entire drive, I had to stop myself from crashing the car. We all have those thoughts but it got to a point where I felt unsafe driving myself.

I realised that I didn't care about my mum. I rang her and asked her what keeps her alive. she said she thinks happy thoughts and keeps going. I asked why she didn't kill herself and she said there's no point dying until it's her time.

But now I've realised that my inner need to stay alive for her isn't important to me anymore. At all. I don't care. So now I have no reason to keep going at all. I downloaded the Peaceful Pill handbook, and I've started considering what my options are. I am going to talk to my partner about this and gauge next steps but half of me wants to break up so he doesn't have to deal with what I might ultimately do.

This is a very triggering post to people in this sub. My question is - what makes you keep going? Why are you still alive? I'm struggling to find a reason. I really am. Please give me a reason of how you carry on with this pain.