Happy Birthday Brian,

Empty words of course, just words to fill the space you left. You’ll never have a happy birthday again, at least not as the cluster of of cells, laughter, pain, and passion i knew so well. What is happiness but the feeling of blissful neurochemicals? You have peace now, at least. I hope it is everything you longed for. I’ve started to accept the fact you aren’t coming back to me, it breaks my heart in a new way, but its true. My throat hurts as I type this, but no tears come. The day is early still, the sky is pregnant with rain, ready to burst. We will both have our moment. Today I’ll let myself dissolve into the feeling of missing you, let myself drift out into that raging ocean. I know my way back now, i’m not afraid anymore. You taught me that. You loved me in a way that no one else ever did, not really, and I’ll always be grateful for it. Losing you was the hardest lesson of my life, left its mark scorched in my heart. but then you always did love to make an impression. Our friendship showed me the best and worst sides of myself, loving and losing you brought me face to face with all of my deepest darkest fears in a way i could not escape. You didn’t deserve the worst parts of me, I’m still so sorry for all of it. But I’m so grateful you waded through what you could, I don’t know who i would even be now if you hadn’t. If you hadn’t loved me anyway. I think we found some kind of redemption in each other, but I wish we had recognized more of what we were looking for. It was right there all along, i know that now.

International Survivor of Suicide Loss Day is this Saturday. It doesn’t fall on your birthday this year, I’m a little glad. It felt like the cause of your death overshadowed the day meant to celebrate your life. So today I’m making us brownies friend, just like we used to. I’m listening to all of our songs, missing you so badly my heart aches in my chest. Our friendship transcended definitions, and it was always there for me when I needed it. Until it wasn’t. I’ll never stop regretting taking you for granted. I’ll always be grateful for everything you taught me, the way you changed everything for me. I’ll never stop missing you. This pain is the only way I can feel close to you now, but I can’t indulge it forever. It rips me to shreds and I need to be whole. I wish I had understood how to be whole before I lost you, maybe you’d still be here. Then again, in many ways, losing you forced me to find myself. So thank you for that.

Until next time, old friend, when I’ll gladly rip myself open again just to feel the memory of you near. I love you and I always will, because love can never die.

-a