2 March will mark the 1st Anniversary of my brother's death. He was 34, and my only brother. Older.

Every day drags. My life is split in two - there's before death and after death. I've held everything in and kept busy. Ive just focused on my mum and trying to make sure she's happy or moving slowly but surely in the right direction.

But this pain hurts so bad. I'm putting on weight despite eating healthy. I've lost patches of hair, alopecia style , from stress.

Even tomorrow, I've been organising care packages to send to pets, artists and people in need on various subs with my mum. I want her to feel like we are doing something positive with the day.

It's all a deflection though. I can't even talk about it and it's been a year. I wish he told me. I don't even know if I've gone through the stages. I can talk very objectively about it at work, but the minute someone asks me how am I doing? I can't even. My boss has tried once or twice and I've just said "don't". He understands.

I walk around with a lump in my throat. I hide my feelings from my partner. I just keep busy, all the time. I work a stressful job and have been working 12 hours a day, weekends. When I don't have to work, I force myself to work.

I bought a house down the road from my mum so I could visit and she could come to stay with me and we could make positive memories. So I keep a strong face on for her.

The pain is so real, I want to stab myself in the leg. I wouldnt actively hurt myself but I then recognise it and start focusing on other things straight away.

Sleep is hard. Some days it's fine, other days it's off and on.

I hate existing. I only exist for my mum right now. I don't want her to go through any pain.

I've no interest in anything.

Vacation? No. Only if it might help mum. For me? Don't care.

Concert? Not anymore

Movies? Nah

TV? Only as a distraction when travelling like Netflix or something. To stop myself from thinking.

Gym? I loved the gym. I stopped now. I don't care anymore. I don't care that I've put on 16lbs. I care. And then I get a burst of energy one day... And then I don't care.

I just function for those around me like my partner or my mum. But I'm dead inside. I tried talking to someone but I didn't get anything from it. So I did give it a go.