Hello Reddit,

So, today is international suicide bereavement day, and coincidentally, tomorrow was my best friend's birthday, before depression and suicide claimed him. Brian Christopher Lofland was easily one of the kindest, smartest, funniest men I have ever known and I loved him. I didn't know how much until I lost him. He died over two years ago and I still miss him so much. I think about him every day, that I'm sad he won't ever meet my daughter, and I want to tell him things all the time. It occurred to me that maybe I could post a letter to him here and maybe you all could tell me what you think he would say?

Dear Brian,

I miss you so much. I miss you every single day. I didn't mean anything I said to you in the last email I sent you, I was so sad about our fighting and I was slipping into depression. I didn't understand how bad it was getting for you too. I thought that if i had some time alone to straighten my life out, I could come back to you afterwards. That way we could heal instead of just ripping each other open all the time. I just knew I was wrong and I needed to be alone. All of a sudden you were dead. Our hundreds of shared memories orphaned.

I think of jokes to tell you all the time. You know no one else has our sense of humor. You wouldn't believe the jokes that die in my head, unheard by any living soul! I mostly think about how stupid we were, and how little we knew about life, despite having lived it so voraciously. So many lifetimes we lived together. I suppose I should be grateful you're not around to blackmail me to my daughter with all our crazy college stories. Except that I would pay that blackmail tenfold if it meant we could all go get scones from that place we liked, or breakfast burritos from oscars. I would pay almost anything for just one more breakfast burrito with you.

I have never stopped missing you. I never will. I will regret the weaknesses that cost me you forever. I will always try to make it up to you by helping other people. I am so sorry I left you alone my brother. It was cruel, I knew it was cruel, I did it anyway, and I will live with that shame forever. I promise I will never forget it. I would give anything to have you back, but I know I can't, so instead I will move forward with you as a part of me. I will live for both of us. I know I am different because I knew you, because I loved you, and I will remember you forever. Please forgive me and please just know how much I loved you. I don't think I ever really told you how much. You were amazing and the world got smaller when you left it. I wish I had done so many things differently.

With all my heart and until we meet again,

-A