This happened a really long time ago but I guess you never get over it. The thing is she told me that she was going to hang herself before she did it & I didn’t call at the time I didn’t call 911 now I didn’t want her dead but she was my abuser & I was scared to death of her. I was majorly depressed at the time so I must have been confused. I know it’s not okay that she’s dead but I was too scared to call 911 I really was too scared. I told myself that the EMT would just come back & lock me up. That she always got her way. I had just gotten out of a mental hospital for hanging up the phone on Colleen that was her name. I loved her but was scared to death of her. I hadn’t seen her in six months but she kept having me locked up without warning & the last time they broke the door off of the hinges & put tasers on my forehead. All I did was hang the phone up on her because I had come down with Major depression & I was scared of her & confused. I didn’t mean to hang up on her it just happened but that’s no reason to break my door down & put two tasers on my forehead. I called her the whole time I was locked up & she never answered. I finally called when I first got home & I didn’t know I would be too traumatized to help I called because I was concerned about her. Not because I wanted her dead. She interrupted my talking to say she was going to hang her self & hung up. I was about to call 911 then my phone rang & she put the guy fixing her Nana’s house on the phone He Yelled, “She Said Don’t Call!!” I yelled back Hallelujah & threw the phone far away & got on the floor & cowered. Please I have rejection sensitivity dysphoria & being yelled at like that threw me in a tizzy & I was so scared of her she always got her way I just cowered telling myself the EMTs would get there & this guy would tell them no he’s bothering her & send them back at me. My door was bare wood & my cat was dead because it has gotten out when they broke the metal door down. I didn’t want her dead I just needed her to stop locking me up for a little while not forever. But it’s over she did do it I was majorly depressed & had no ADHD medication for my executive function & now I’m treated for Rejection Sensitivity Dysphoria with two medications. I just still wish she was alive I don’t cry anymore or destroy myself thinking about it since I’ve been treated & got over major depression. But I shouldn’t have to feel Guilty I was too scared & confused at the time it’s absolutely not okay that she’s dead & I may never get over it. But it’s bothering me now more than usual & I just thought I’d bring it up. Suicide is tough on everyone & I deserve compassion too. Some people freeze under pressure & I was one of those. Is it ever going to be okay I mean I didn’t mean to let her die I had hoped she hadn’t done it I was too too scared & too confused from depression. But how do I cope after all of these years how do I let it go. I think maybe being honest & talking about it might help. That’s all no I’m sorry look I Am Sorry that I wasn’t strong enough at the time. Of course I’m more than just sorry I just thought I’d write it here instead of writing to her family & letting them know she told me first because I think that’s selfish to tell them that do you think so or that maybe it would help I think I should just go to Samaritans & talk about it again suicide hurts more than anything I don’t think I should tell her family that I knew I mean I didn’t necessarily believe her okay I did but I was too scared can’t you see how hard this was on me. I’m not selfish I just froze up inside & I’m sorry.