I miss you. I know you would have hated turning 39. I can imagine you laughing about it so easily, complaining about the end of our dirty thirties. That surely the wrinkles will be piling on from here on out. Instead the wrinkles will all be mine, because aging is a privilege and you taught me that.

Today when my daughter woke up too early and came to crawl in bed with me, as she cuddled against me and her breathing slowed I thought about you. Always one foot in the past with you but I also know she wouldnt even be here if you hadn’t woken me up with your death. The only thing i knew for certain after that, was that you had gotten it wrong. I had to go back to the beginning, to start over, to get it right. She was my dawn, my proof the universe loves me after all, so thank you for that. She’s is more beautiful that i could have ever dreamed Brian and she’s so smart and kind. I want you to meet her more than i can possibly express. She would have adored you. Instead i will carefully instruct her how to keep all her friends precious and close.

I still hear you in my head, every sarcastic remark in your voice, i still feel you with me. I still don’t know who i would be without you, the lines of you and me and our childhoods are so blurry that I literally cannot let you go. I would collapse without your memory and i know it. So here we go again Brian, another trip around the sun. Coming up on ten without you. This is NOT how it was supposed to be but this is what we’ve got and I’m still grateful. I’ll love you forever best friend. And you will never be forgotten. Happy Birthday Brian.