(Long post here sorry)

I have commented often here and posted few times since my brother died 3 months ago.

For the context I(30) am the elder of 6 children and we all live in different parts of my country. Our household was always unstable my mom is alcoholic and my dad negligent. It is not politically correct to say so but C. was probably my favourite brother. Losing him was the most painful pain I have ever felt. For 2months and an half we were waiting for the explanation. I reached out to his friends, searched his computer, tried to hack his phone, went to everyone I could to get more help. Meanwhile my mom refused to do an non-personalised ceremony during the cremation, so the real ceremony for my brother was by the end of August. But I was almost the sole organiser. I also decided to stay 2 months with them, taking also care of the youngest and watching my parents. After that, I came back to my apartment alone. I was exhausted and for a month I struggled with tears crisis and depressive state.

The police told us last week my brother died from natural cause. And still I was very angry and I wrote here about. But then this week, they found he died from an overdose of chloroquine. They started their investigation again. Of course, it is 90% chance to be a suicide. It is also consistent with some research I found on his computer. I feel like "punished" as last week I was so mad life took someone so young. Now, it is just him. He did it. Only 3 years after the suicide attempt of our youngest brother.

I cried so much and I had questions constantly in my mind. I spent the week with one of my sisters, called my others siblings and mom. They all kind of accept the decision of my brother, as they all feel they wish they could have ended it too.

From this moment, I feel out of my body. Not sad, not happy purely frozen, blank, neutral. I am unable to think about the situation or what to do for my family. They all want to end it; even before my brother passed away. How do I carry on with that ?

I was preparing for a very important exam in my country, so I don't have a job. I have to move on and find something while... I feel nothing ? I don't want to die, like the first months, I want nothing. I guess I am trying to say I feel like in the limbo. I don't even know what to do to be better. I feel stuck, frozen, barely a human.

I don't know what I expect from this post. I just feel like it doesn't matter what you do. I don't even know what is normal or not, what is wrong or right.