July 11 2018 The Day My Life changed forever. I was starting a 4-day shift at work I'm a firefighter we were supposed to go camping when I got home I was wanting to get my wife out of her funk. They started out like every other one got up showered packed my stuff kissed my wife goodbye I told her I loved her. Got to work realize I had left my bag at home I was fortunate enough to have one more kiss and to tell her I loved her. About 4 hours after she had dropped my bag off was texting her but my daughter had her phone. I asked my daughter to go get her so I could text with her. She told me my wife was in the garage asked her to go knock on the door. It wasn't uncommon for her to be outside in the garage. My daughter told me the door was locked I I told her there was a key on her mother's car key ring go unlock the door give her the phone. 30 seconds later I got the worst phone call of my life could hear nothing but screaming from my daughter and coherently heard my son screaming as well. The only thing clear that came from the other end was "Mom shot herself!". Fast forward 3 years I was diagnosed with PTSD depression and anxiety. I went to sad camp for 43 days specifically for First Responders firefighters and paramedics (IAFF'S center of excellence). Took a while for my counselor to talk me into going but I thought to myself would be a great thing get me out of the area for a while hopefully be able to get a handle on my emotions and start to move forward with my life again. Walking through the campus I see a female firefighter oh my God she looks remarkably like my wife same build same color hair and length same walk. Talk about a distraction really didn't get the full benefit out of my stay. 5 years later I'm still feeling lost but I'm tired of feeling alone. I've been doing ketamine therapy which has helped. I found out about ketamine therapy from another bereavement group on Facebook I had an individual message me asking how my wife had died . Come to find out his wife took her life almost 2 months to the day before my wife had chosen to leave this earth. He asked if I had heard about ketamine therapy I said no but looked into it he said that he had absolutely amazing results. I found a clinic about an hour north of where I live that does spavato ketamine administered through a nasal spray . I was a little nervous my first treatment because it is a disassociative and can be a psychedelic but after that first treatment that cloud that hangs over you winning a depressive state was lifted ! The best way for me to describe it that light at the end of the tunnel has gotten to be so bright I have to wear sunglasses ! Sitting here at work as I type this out tomorrow would have been our 20th wedding anniversary. So I just wanted to put my story out there of course there's more to it believe me a lot more specially what happened after she died. I guess one of the things I am asking here how hard was it for you to start living again? Currently I have no motivation to do anything but go home sitting my lazy boy watching YouTube dreaming about a different future