it lasted for about 1.5 months and ended yesterday. i (23f) met him on reddit after I post I made, to be frank I was honest up front and said i couldn't commit (only available long distance and can't meet in person, complicated relationship with family, lots of religious trauma, closed off, unsure about my limits.) my Daddy (50m) really believed in me and my growth and wanted me to commit to him. i was reluctant but the more i talked to him i realized i wanted it very much. i was always afraid to explore but i would push myself everyday. i loved doing his tasks and having to report to him everyday. it really made me feel as if a different life was possible. but i didn't treat him as he expected. i wasn't always texting back. i wasn't taking him seriously. my focus was on me, not on him.

eventually i told him if we met in person i wasn't sure if i could have sex with him out of fear. i gave him false expectations and he said there was no reason to invest time in me anymore. he took the relationship seriously and i didn't (although i convinced myself I did) and i really hurt him. he was so kind and patient with me. i've never in my life opened up to anyone about my desires. i'm usually so ashamed of them, he told me i always lead with fear. i did things for him that i never knew i could do. i've never had a relationship like that with anyone, period. but i deluded myself into thinking i could serve him when i couldn't. i was afraid to put him first and couldn't. i deceived him.

i'm in a tough situation with family, i live in the middle east and can't really live my own life. i think by default that makes me a less than ideal sub, not to mention my constant fear at exploring my body and inability to change control of my own life. Daddy felt like i used him. i think i did, without realizing. like i used him as a sporadic escape from my shitty life, when he wanted something real from me. he had so much faith in me and by the end he plainly said tat all that faith was misplaced.

i feel like this will change me forever. i need to prove him wrong even if he's not with me. i need to control my life. maybe then i'll be in a better place to be a better sub. i felt like such a child with him, and he said as much. i'm like a child begging to grow up. i need to change.

my main thing is that i shared with him stuff that i never want to share again. i could hardly reveal myself to him and i did it, because i thought that was what he wanted in commitment. but i was too reluctant, too unsure, too dishonest. i shared SECRETS with him and now he's just gone. i had something good and i lied to myself and said that i could live up to what he wanted. i didn't even know what the fuck i was doing. it was such an emotional whirlwind. if i enter another D/s relationship again, i have to change everything Daddy said i needed to change, so I don't hurt anyone else.

i keep crying sporadically. obviously in my house i have to hide my emotions but i can't help it. i don't want another Daddy. i wish i lived a different life where i deserved him and could really be selfless enough to serve, without being so scared of everything all the time. it was a short relationship so it shouldn't be so painful but it was so many firsts for me.

edit: he was not from the same culture as me, sorry for any confusion, i wrote this in a hurry.