First- light context. I'm single and have been for a very long time. I've also known I was a sub for just as long. I had a rough childhood and family life. I moved out last year, but it's all still very raw. Dating right now would be an awful idea as I recover. I try to keep myself satisfied via solo play. I'm generally pretty in tune with myself and how subspace feels for me.

About a year ago I discovered I enjoy light ageplay and ddlb. For a long time I thought I disliked it because so much ddlb I saw focused on baby/child ageplay. It's something I find triggering. But I've been finding more people who don't express their dynamic that way which expanded my perspective on it.

The appeal to me is not needing to be as in control. There's an authority figure who's older, wiser, and actually trustworthy. And even when being solo, I like being able to let go of working adult responsibilities and putting myself in that headspace when I was in highschool. It's nice to feel naive and not have to worry about so many things. I also like being able to revisit things as a form of wish fulfillment or reclamation now that I'm safer.

I've been doing solo scenes focused on getting myself into this younger headspace. Sometimes sexual, sometimes not. It goes well and I've enjoyed exploring a different aspect of myself. But I've noticed it's different than my usual submission because I sometimes feel very sad during it. It doesn't happen every time, but it happens often. I get weepy and I just feel overall clingy. I don't know how to describe it. Everything just feels raw and intense. Even if I don't start crying or feeling sad, I'll end that way.

It's not necessarily a drop because I feel good once I'm out of subspace. Drops haunt me, so to speak. They're these sudden come on of awful feelings that go on for a while. This in comparison is quick and a part of the subspace. I think it's just another element of letting go. I'm allowing myself to be more emotional by being in this younger headspace. Even in a fantasy, the things that happened in my past are real and I'm going to feel emotional about them. But it also feels disconcerting because it's so different from what I experience typically in subspace.

I think I'm posting this mainly to get it off my chest. And also because it always is a comfort to hear other perspectives/if anyone has dealt with similar. I think trauma can combine with submission in a lot of ways. And in this case it's down to the basics of how I feel in this headspace.