TW for BPD mention.

I was vetting a “Dom” and it was going semi well. We had chatted pretty extensively and had a connection and started doing orgasm control.

I told him from the start that I have BPD but it’s mostly in remission, but if I am forming a connection with someone, I need to be checked in with once a day and reassured they’re still interested and are just busy, etc, if that is the case. This is an extremely reasonable request, and it’s not “asking for too much” (as I’ve been told in previous connections). I also told him I have an anxious attachment style. I have spoken to therapists about this and they have agreed that there is some things in me that may not be healed until I have a stable relationship, but boy, have I done A LOT of healing by myself. I constantly check in with myself, have healthy coping mechanisms, and don’t spiral or split anymore if someone doesn’t respond.

He didn’t reply to one of my messages last week, and then didn’t message me for 4 days. When he did message back, I replied reminding him about my attachment style and request, and that I presumed I was getting ghosted by him. He said “communication is a 2 way street” - I’m a mature adult and I understand that, but to want to be with a sub whose willing to do a lot for a Dom and eventually wants a M/s relationship, checking in with me everyday is a tiny, tiny request. He then proceeded to tell me I “still have to heal things inside of me” if I want a D/s relationship and I’m taking that as him hinting that I’m not healed/ too much work to deal with, which is evident in some of the other things he said. How dare he?

I’m not the one who can’t honour a simple communication request. He used the excuse of the connection being “online” as to communication being weird/ dry. I offered video/ phone calls and we briefly discussed visits etc. I know I’m only telling my side of the story, but I truly believe he is super emotionally immature here and is using my almost non existent BPD as an excuse that I’m “too much to deal with”.

Also, on top of this, if you’re controlling someone’s orgasms and want them to follow your orders/ tasks, checking in is the least you can do.

I have told friends about this and also talked to a close friend who’s a sex/ relationship expert and even they agree he was in the wrong for how it was handled by him.

I’m okay and this is just a rant.

Subs, never settle for a “Dom” who doesn’t meet your needs 💗