Sorry for the length The last 24hrs have been surreal. So many people are celebrating about Biden’s plan and all over social media people are demanding that no one has the right to complain, that we all should feel gratitude for what we’re getting. While I was seeing feelings of relief, happiness and hope I was sitting in the corner of my kitchen floor sobbing. This is a really vulnerable post so please be kind.

Yes we all get the 10k. I’m genuinely so happy for every single person who is feeling real relief and I mean that deeply. At the same time I’m worried about myself and my colleagues. All healthcare providers have to get graduate degrees, complete medical school, or get PhDs. The rules are rigid and final and almost every provider I know has 80-100k of debt. Many of us come from poverty. The IBR is the biggest help so far in the bill-it’s life changing. Cutting the max they can take from 10% to 5% and decreasing the length from 20 to 10yrs will save so many people. For every person with loans above undergrad we are left to fend for ourselves.

I truly cannot find words to express the pressure and burnout in healthcare since 2020. For 2.5yrs straight I’ve seen way more patients than what is healthy or feasible and every single day my phone and e-mail are bombarded with people desperate for mental health help. Since 3/20 I’ve only had a total of one week off. I feel like I am now a shell of my former self because no one could prepare us to help so many people through the traumas that we also are experiencing at the same time. Since 2020 the government has been all “god bless the healthcare workers on the front lines!” And “we’re in a mental health crisis and have a shortage of providers so thank you to those who are helping our community during this time!” I’ve given everything I have. We all have. Our reward is Biden left us completely out of any actual relief.

10k will be back onto our loan within about 2yrs due to insane interest and our wages are incredibly low. I am one of the few who still take insurance but this year CareFirst just hasn’t been paying me. It’s taking over 90 days to get paid, I’m missing THOUSANDS from work I’ve done, and on one occasion they straight up just stole hundreds out of my business bank account never to return it. I’m barely managing and come January I will be expected to pay 900-1000 a month. Without any help I am going to lose my home. There’s no where to go and no way out of this. So many doctors, therapists, NPs, etc are panicking right now as the country is feeling hopeful because our government left behind the people trying to help the community and save lives.

I went to the cheapest schools, I got every grant I could. My 95k debt is from 2yrs of grad school. They forced us to work for free 30hrs a week on top of countless classes for the entire two years so many of us had to take out extra loans just to survive. Due to interest my loans went from 68k to 95k in 6 years. I have no hope and I have never felt this terrified and defeated. I ignore my fear to help my patients every single day but when the day is over I’m panicking and crying. I don’t see a way out of this other than a permanent way. I don’t want that for myself or anyone but if I lose my housing I will have nothing and I don’t see any other choice.

I’m sorry this was so long I just needed someone to hear the voice of the countless healthcare providers who are literally going to lose their housing, won’t be able to eat, and will once again have to pick a meal for the day or if they see a provider when they’re sick. I’m traumatized and broken for my entire field. We tried. We tried so damn hard. We still keep trying but for some of us our time is running out. Healthcare professions already make up a big bulk of the top professions at risk for unaliving themselves. This will skyrocket the risk. I’m terrified. I want so badly to be able to see any hope, any speck of light, but this is America so as they always say for every trauma…thoughts and prayers.

Thank you to whoever read this. I don’t have a goal with the post, I just needed someone, anyone, to hear me.