So my depression probably began in late 2017 when my step father passed away suddenly. At the time I was at university pursuing my Bachelors in physics and astronomy (dual degree program). I took about two weeks off and returned to school and work. About a month later I was fired from my job due to anger and stress getting the best of me, but it was a blessing in disguise. Fast forward to the end of 2020, I’m in my final semester’s worth of classes when my step grandmother became terminally ill with Stage 4 lung cancer. On top of these two deaths I spent about 6 months applying for jobs almost non stop, hundreds of applications sent out with nothing to show. Come June of 2021 I had decided to give up my job search, it seemed as though my degrees were useless in landing me a better job beyond fast food or retail. I was lucky to then get a job about a month later but that was just it, luck. I spent about a couple months at this job, and sure it payed really well for me, but made me realize that this particular job wasn’t for me. However I feared that I wouldn’t find anything else to provide for my, now ex, girlfriend. I became deeply depressed and even had strong suicidal ideations. The only thing that kept me going was her, the gym, and my morning coffee. Now it’s mid 2024, I’m on leave of absence from my employer but I have no idea if my job will actually be there when I come back. I work a dead end job at $10/hr since the hassle of dealing with the long term disability insurance process is mentally taxing on me. I hardly have a drive to do anything. I’m seeing a therapist and a psychiatrist. I’m on different meds now, switched from Lexipro to Lithium Carbonate (300mg a day). However, despite this, I do not feel like I’m getting any better, I haven’t been well in a long time. The gym no longer helps, coffee no longer helps, going out doesn’t seem to help, and even my art is no longer driving me. I feel if I don’t get better in 2 years to the date of writing this, then I may just opt out. I am tired of always having ups and downs and nothing in between. I am tired of not having a stable mind. I am tired of my potential being wasted; can’t utilize it to make money when no one will fucking hire me! And now I get to enjoy being almost alone, no partner, no love to give anymore. I put everything in my father, my mother, grandmother, career, girlfriend, and now it’s all gone. The last piece died in April when we went our separate ways. I feel nothing left, no words of encouragement or compliments will ease me. I’m sorry, but I’m tired, and I’m hollow.