I am not sure what my purpose in doing this post is but I feel like it needs to be heard or I need to be understood one. I have been married for close to 24 years and am 44 yr female. I recently found out for sure that he had cheated with another man. I would like to say that his sexualality was never a secert with me. He is attracted to anything and everything. We both are very sexual with very high sex drives. We made a big move 2 years ago to a different state for better oppertunities of work. I work music festivals 9 months out of the year so i am gone once a month for about a week. He used to do the same thing but it was hard to raise 3 kids and both be living that life. It for sure was my dream and gig before he started full time. So we found a career based job. Last year was the first time i knew in my soul he cheated and when conforted he lied. I made asked him to sign seperation papers and he did so. I dove straight into my job and just travelled all the time and greived what I thought was our marriage. We learned how to be best friends again over this last year. I fell back in love him and him with me, no denying. I put my wedding ring back on right around christmas. Well 2 weeks ago I found out he did the same thing as last year. It was heart breaking and yes on my part horribly on his. I could see the fear and shame and guilty just oozing out of him. I knew he had just been with a man and all i could do was want to hold him amd protect him. He was so vunerable. He started to be mean and say things I knew were not true but stil hurt like hell. I asked him if I could give him a hug and the walls of jericho came down. He asked if I was serious and I said yes please, I can feel you and it hurts so bad. After hugging him for I dont know how long I sat on our bed and thought for like 5 minutes what my next move should be. I grieved us already, I war cried for what we used to be last year when I knew what he did and he lied. I felt dirty and gross and know he had to be feeling the same way after me just giving him ultimate mercy and grace.. not that that was my point but i was aware. I said i wanted to take a shower and asked him if he wanted to go with me. He has bad anxiety in showers and close confinement, and he couldn't not believe I was doing what I was doing and saying what I was saying. He did and I just held him. We held each other.

Here we are 2 weeks later and well... We want to die together. He is in love with me but he has a truth to be told and lived. Desires that he is killing himself literally to suppress for the sake of me and his children. He doesnt want to live in guilt and shame and he wants to be at peace with himself. The action is not what hurts and never did.... I dont look at him as cheating...he cheated himself more than me. I am in shock and aw but am not devasted, I am excited. I dont know what any of this means. We have spent these entire 2 weeks talking about every single thing you can think of. He has covered me and put all his efforts into building me back up again and making me feel safe and that IS where I struggle now. I think that all comes with time. He has no desires for anything right now other than establishing what this means now and i am grateful for that because it gives me healing and process time which is very needed. I am a creature of love, an empath, connection and energy so.

In the end again, I am not sure what I am writing this for or if I am looking for someone to relate to or to help someone know they arent alone. I love this man and there is no denying he loves me and that the attraction is so strong and very much there more now than ever. I am confident enough that finding likeminded people wont be hard and I guess there is my last reason for writing this.