Before the meth I wasn't perfect. I was a bit of an asshole and very lazy. But I was somewhat happy. However the was always something missing. Since I was a child..I'd always feel this darkness. This sense of hopelessness. After I lost my dad ( Who I was very close to) it got a lot worse. I felt alone..I felt like no one cared about me. In my teenage years I got involved in the occult..and I would frequently cut myself and would vandalize homes and steal from stores. It was at this time I had begun to experience these unhealthy sexual thoughts and desires. I hated it.but I couldn't help what I was attracted to. This made me hate myself a lot more. But then I found God and I was happier than I had ever been. Eventually, following the death of my great grandmother, I began to spiral into a deep depression that never quite went away.

During this time, I would watch shock videos to remind me that I don't have it that bad. Then one day I saw a really bad one that I am convinced traumatized me..and that's when I lost my faith. I began to perceive life as a cruel and meaningless joke. My worldview was one of despair and nihilism. I turned my back on my values, and began to take refuge in visiting prostitutes and watching porn. I met many girls that liked me, but because I didn't like myself I just pushed them away.

I was failing academically, and as a result I was expelled from school. I started online school, where I spent a lot of time online. I never left the house, and I began to gain a lot of weight. To lose the weight I began to exercise and diet, and eventually I lost it. I then discovered I wasn't as ugly and unlikable as I always perceived myself to be. I started expiramenting with drugs, and eventually found solace in disassociate hallucinogens. I won't forget that warm peaceful feeling, where time stood still and I could daydream and enjoy the comfort of no longer being apart of life.

I was/ am scared of everything. Of life, of finding love, of driving, going to school, exploring my passions, and moving forward in life. I was savagely bullied by my drug dealing brother, who was defended and endorsed by my abusive mother. I felt weak and powerless. So I tried meth. I felt like I didn't need to sleep again, I felt confident and powerful. Since I was 12 I thought frequently of taking my life. I couldn't go through with it so I took matters into my own hands. I can't kill myself but I can destroy myself. So then came the drugs.

I miss my dad. I miss my Nana. I wish they were still here. I don't believe in an after life, so I am tormented by the fact that they are gone forever and I will never see them again. I have so many regrets and fears. So much discontentment. I chronically feel like I am trapped in a living hell. No love. No beauty. No hope. Just torment, the kind of torment that comes from within. The kind of torment that refuses to depart from me. The kind that makes me walk in the shadows, tired and alone.

My little brother joined a gang..and is now in prison. My oldest brother became very religious, and began to despise me for my lifestyle. Then my 2nd brother moved far away. Eventually my siblings and I began to drift apart. People got sick of me and my negativity.

Even before meth there was always this emptiness, this darkness, this feeling that I'd never become anything worthwhile. When I got sober I was still very unhappy. I didn't know what to do with myself. Recently the minister who baptized me and was a beacon of hope in my life passed away. Our last conversation was one that promoted change and encouraged living a moral and selfless life. He promised me that he'd have help me find my way agai. But then he died.

I wish I never tried meth. I wish my brothers found the baggie I kept hidden under the empty flower pot in my room. I wish they beat the shit out me and.forced me to get help. But that didn't happen. That cold night in February of 2021, I did meth for the first time. Now, all I do is meth...All I do is meth.

Thanks for reading. Take care of yourself and hug your loved ones tight. This world may be a scary and dark place at time, but there still love and goodness, and there are still those who are.willing to lend a hand to the helpless. And there's love.