I've (30f) been struggling with vyvanse abuse since late 2019. Been a frequent visitor and sometimes poster in this sub. As 2024 wraps up I'm reflecting on where I was when I first discovered this sub and where I am today. I've been seeing a lot of posts lately that remind me of the worst periods of my addiction and I hope some of those people see my post and it gives them hope that there can be a way out, there might be many hiccups, but understand that such a deeply ingrained illness like addiction takes time to overcome considering addiction is just an outcome deeper issues like trauma for most of us here. This will be a lengthy post but it's like a diary entry for me especially as the most recent step I took in my recovery is getting my pharmacist/walk in clinic to cut me off from accessing these drugs. So now when I find myself fantasizing ways to get access to it again, as I do every day, I think laying out my journey in this post will help me remember how far I've come and not to go backwards.

2019-2021 I was abusing the shit out of my 30mg prescription. Binging my monthly script in 2 weeks, followed by 2 weeks of withdrawal. Trying to seek out pills from other sources while I waited to be able to pick up my next script. Limbs turning purple from the high doses. Heart rate going crazy. Intense paranoia about every thing and every one. So much self hatred, constant negative self talk. Sleeping like I was in a coma when I had no pills left. Always isolating myself and preferring to get high over anything else bc I felt like that was the only way for me to be productive.

2022 - I finally came clean and told my doctor that I've been abusing these pills and she put me on a weaning off schedule to slowly get back down to the 30mg I was supposed to be on, from the 120 mg I was taking. I still managed to find a way to abuse get high from the amount I was being given during this weaning off schedule. Doc tried to subscribe me nonstimulant ADHD meds but those made me feel like shit so I was able to continue being prescribed the 30mg vyvanse. I still continued to abuse my script though I reduced my intake significantly and rarely took more than 60-90mg pills. I could never just take 30mg though because it didn't get me high and getting high was really my main priority and only way I felt I was able to "Get shit done".

2023 - Still abusing the script, but not taking more than 60mg to get high, taking at least a day in between so tolerance doesn't build so quickly. I made a plan to move out of the country on a work visa so I could be completely separated from these drugs since clearly I was still obsessed with them. Continued abusing the script until I moved. I surprised myself with how productive I was with zero access to vyvanse, weed, while going through withdrawals. I found a gorgeous place to live a good job within the first 2 weeks of being in London, England where it's difficult to find work and live. But unfortunately my CPTSD got the best of me and before I had my cat sent to come live with me overseas to make this move official, I felt I was not mentally fit and moved back to Canada. Went right back to abusing the vyvanse when I moved back. My family doctor didn't prescribe my the pills anymore so I found a walk in clinic nearby to prescribe it for me, which was very easy to do.

2024 - Still abusing at the same rate as 2023, reduced intake to 45-60mg. Jobless. My goal when returning from England was to find a way to start my own business. During one of my manic highs I decided to design a jigsaw puzzle with my paintings and start a business out of it. My plan was that this would just be the first line of products in my business because I know how to create many other things and jigsaw puzzles were the lowest risk/lowest cost option which also displays a unique series of paintings I had made. Once the shipment of my products finally arrived about a month ago ( 3 months late, the stress of which drove me insane ) I found myself derailing and entering binge mode again. The progression of time is so easy to ignore when you are constantly just getting high and fooling yourself that you are more productive this way. None of the tasks that I need to do now to get my business off the ground requires me to take vyvanse. In fact, nothing ever required me to take vyvanse as I went through the most difficult periods of my life without it, so why would I need it now when I could just be having fun finding ways to nurture and grow this thing that I've created that I could actually be proud of?

Beginning of this month I decided to take another big step and ask my pharmacist/ walk in clinic to blacklist me from ever buying the meds again. Now I've put myself in a position where it will be embarrassing and difficult to gain access to my evil beloved vyvanse again. I think that building a connection with a sponsor from NA really helped push me to take this step as she was the one to recommend it. I would highly recommend anyone suffering to at least give NA a shot, and most importantly to find a good sponsor ASAP. I don't go to meetings often, but having my sponsor check in with me and talk to about what's on my mind regarding this obsession actually helps a lot. She helps reframes my thoughts in a way that actually helps me feel heard and isn't just generic advice, because she also understands addiction even if her DOC was different. It is so easy to trick yourself into thinking you can use moderately and fall apart again and again when your own mind is the only place you have to ruminate. Now the next step in my journey is cutting out weed, sugar, and doomscrolling and replacing those habits with daily exercise as I've seen countless testimonies on how much that helps in recovery.

Final thing I want to say is, during this period of my life no matter how transparent I've been about my abuse of this drug and other drugs (been a druggy since I was a teen), doctors, pharmacists, and even my therapist have made me think that it can be possible to use this "medication" moderately, like a tool, appropriately. But time and time again I have proven this wrong as I always find myself veering off into binge territory even during moments that appear to be stable. Even though over the last 2 years I've been able to limit my dose, and have several times even found the courage to flush the remainder of my script down the toilet, this still hasn't made withdrawal feel any less shitty, and hasn't stopped me from going back to buy more. I won't speak for all addicts but I do think that removing access 100% is really the only way out of this madness. I've accepted that life may be difficult for some time while my brain heals and I know I will always miss the euphoria Vyvanse gave me but I don't want to live in a hamster wheel anymore.