I read this subreddit often and don’t post I see people asking “I know I need to quit I just don’t know why” and i am often left feeling this way too. Especially after especially an intense drug related dream of craving, which I have often sadly still

I wanted to make a list of things that happened to me and my “friend(s)” while we were using.

Or just idk how I feel - free flow thoughts and writing n bitching about that son of a bitch drug.

So pls be nice I’m not a writer I just had therapy today and wanted to talk

Do u recall all of The poor choices and reckless behavior. The psychotic bouts of rage, mood swings, crashing, then awake and tweaking for days… The violent tendencies, self harming, the terrible tattoos staining my skin.. the empty sex with strangers, talking in circles for hours not remembering a word until The sun rises.

Don’t you remember when you ran out how bad you wanted to die ? How you would lash out on your loved ones and not remember? &How badly your soul ached for more meth or to just die? You can feel it leave your body- seeping through your pores, and out of your piss- evict it for the last time.

Foolish girl, your time is running out. And so are your drugs - You’re not invincible! You will die! You’re closer to 40 than 20 now babe don’t look back look forward , said the clock.

If I don’t remind- myself I always go back. some of the people i knew didn’t get that choice. That fucks with me stilll Today. Half my friends didn’t live to see 30 & couldn’t learn? Selfish foolish girl..

I fear for my internal organs most days, and I didn’t even start using meth until I was nearing 30 (36 now) however I’ had been abusing substances and/or on drugs since I was 15 years old. & I’ve been prescribed a plethora of meds due to acute psychosis (they thought for 10 years I was schizophrenic) & ptsd the list of MISdiagnosises goes on and on As do the meds.

And yes it was to cope. yes it was to medicate. Yes it was to feel. And numb myself, and for the thrill and the rush. It was all of everything for most of my life.

I had fleeting moments of sobriety & still honestly struggle I admit it. “I don’t want to do this but why can’t I stop” I think often to myself as I blocked More friends phone numbers in a spun out rage.

It was me. Not them. I needed help. They just needed to stay tf Away from ME

&It’s been an up and down battle, but nothing is liner fair or easy. Growth requires strength , change, boundaries..so many things i need to learn oh when will I learn. I wonder

Yet when it’s bad, & I have relapsed - I’m always so close to losing everything yet idc in that moment. it’s never been worth going back to either Not once. It’s a Russian roulette mind fuck that hides behind false confidence, You’re a shellOf who u used to be. A projection of everything and everyone else

I feel as tho when l I become a sliver of who I was yet I always return to the crystal plate. It was years and I relapsed.. it was so easy. Natural. Miserable.

How many days I’ve been up and things get weird. Good Things never come when your mind is shutting down and you don’t know who to trust anymore

And then when it fell thru and I got sober the first time the first relapse was insane 3 Months Meth daily
after having years removed from the shit

I felt a black cloud return over me. I felt shame and guilt yet would say “I know I need to quit I just don’t know why”

Making little to no sense - losing all my relationships - crying alone sad angry. Sitting in the same position for hours doing nothing.

I was also emaciated, depleted of vitamins, dehydrated and I’d go days without food

When all this started I got down to 130lbs from around 200 I got my first abscess tooth which was lovely. Swollen face , pus that smells like literal shit pouring out of my gums where My teeth meet and incredible pain that rarely goes away..

& I was a snorter. Yea I smoked meth but I loved cutting up lines, I enjoyed the feeling & pain it give you when u snort it. “It was a ritual “like my one friend in recovery says “a sick obsession” how it almost turns you on in a fucked up way..

The drip from the meth going down my throat & into my mouth didn’t help my tooth infections one bit. The pain was insane.. it wad all very overwhelming n parts don’t seem real now

I’d think about How did I let this happen to me along side wanting another line

Everyone was disappointed in me. Mostly myself tho.

It’s no way to live

Meth doesn’t get to win this time.

In closing I wanna share a link from YouTube called meth pee, it is a comedian whose story helps me I hope u have a moment to watch cos it is funny but real & thank u for reading

Jessa Reed - Meth Pee - this is not happening-