I’ve kind of gotten used to not being happy but today a song came on that reminded me of a time while I was taking vyvanse (I took vyvanse for 10 years age 18-29 and never abused it, just took my 40mg-50mg daily dose as prescribed by my doctor).

As I was listening to the song all the memories came flooding back of the stim high/when I used to experience happiness. And I almost started crying thinking I will never experience this again.

I know people say you will get to your old self eventually but the truth is, I was never really happy before I went on ADHD meds. The only happiness I really ever experienced while was on vyvanse.

All of my happiest moments were while on stims. 10 fucking years of my life. Important years of my life. After high school, college, first post college job, my ENTIRE 20s, etc.

Now I’m a shell of a human, and that’s putting it so much more lightly than the actual situation.

I don’t think I’ll ever experience that type of happiness again, of course I won’t. No one is supposed to experience that level of elation. It’s literally DRUGS. But now my brain knows what it’s like, and it’s hard to forget