I’m still on this train wreck of mine. Using Dexamphetamine was fine for the first two years. Slowly upgrading no dose to all nighters on my computer to produce work and it felt so freaking great. Business booming. Happiest and peaceful person performing at the ultimate.

We had a change in circumstances ran into a period of illness in the home. My work piled, I was and still am at times pulling all nighters to get to my clients expecting their work back.

I am supposed to be only taking 8 tablets a day. 40mg.

Last week was a huge week of stress and me not being able to cope mentally and figure out something for work. Saturday was a huge day of client work. I was beyond exhausted after 10 hours of racing around. The dex was the only thing keeping me upright.

Monday peak of it all 120gm (pulled an all nighter). Opened the last bottle after midnight. My mind was exhausted really. Stayed in bed and just trying to get through the day before my husband suspected anything. Woke up okay this morning but took my 4 tablets to get out the house to do the mum duties.

I am supposed to be sitting at my desk working on clients deliverables. I’m sitting here physically feeling sick with anxiety that my last year and especially this last few three weeks have destroyed my kidneys, brain and liver function yet again.

Two gorgeous boys, one is on Ritalin and now regretting even putting him on. He prefers not to have them.

My baby 9 not on meds.

I cannot fail. So thank you to all the mums and other reddit friends for constantly allowing this space to evolve with support. Quitting alcohol was hard. This shit is way harder.