Hi all,

I’ve had a history of using various RC stims for a period of around 10 years, typically around twice a month at low to moderate doses (usually leaning more towards the low side). About six times a year, I’d go on a binge, roughly once every two months. The stims I used the most were 2-FA, 3-FA, A-PHP, and A-PHiP, with the last two primarily during binges that usually lasted one night.

My last major binge with 3-FA was about five months ago. After that, I had a milder binge with MD-PHP, which was a little over three months ago now. My use wasn’t healthy, but it wasn’t as extreme as some cases I’ve read about here.

Despite being several months clean, I still feel awful and struggle with the following:

·        A sense of detachment

·        Almost only negative emotions

·        Constant automatic thought patterns

·        Depersonalization

·        Feeling disconnected from my true self

·        Difficulty visualizing a positive future

·        Overthinking

·        Not much motivation

·        Not finding people attractive anymore

·        Mental exhaustion

·        Self-doubt

·        Feeling trapped in my own mind

·        Hyper-awareness of my thoughts

·        Low libido

·        Internal conflict

·        Anhedonia

It feels like my mind is constantly projecting imaginary scenarios into the future. It’s as if I’m watching a negative version of myself play out right before me, while my real self seems absent but at the same time it feels me thinking it... Everything around me looks the same, but at the same time, the concept of reality feels distorted and overwhelmingly negative. I can’t quite put into words what it is exactly—it’s more than just thoughts like “I’m not good enough,” although that’s part of it. My brain seems stuck on creating these relentless, negative mental projections, and I can’t seem to break free.

I often struggle to differentiate between my true self and these automatic thought loops, which is incredibly frustrating. Sometimes it even feels like I’m in an alternate reality or parallel universe. It’s difficult to explain, and I don’t have the words to fully capture it.

So, I wanted to ask: do any of you who are in recovery experience similar things? Do you think this could still be related to stimulant use, or is it more likely depression or even something else entirely? Thanks in advance for any feedback, it is appriciated.