First, PLEASE do not get this thread shutdown by promoting or discussing illegal drug use. What I will be discussing is a factual accounting of a legal and medically supervised treatment. Thank you.

So, recovery progresses. 19 months and I’m about 60% back. And as I thought about where I want to be at 3 years post-stimulants, I do not just want to be back at my old baseline. I want to be better.

To do that, I have to be brave and take some risks to really work through my issues that, in my opinion, have been suppressed through all sorts of medications, substances, food, and eventually, ADHD drugs.

I’m 6 months into therapy… it’s a process that takes time.

I had a great psychiatrist in my outpatient program that encouraged me to get off ALL psychiatric drugs, including SSRIs, to see what I’m really like (thinking that a lot of my lifelong laziness and fatigue may be SSRI induced). For the record, most of my life has been on 40 mg of Lexapro (17-39).

But I was scared so I stayed on it.

Recently however I was accepted into a clinical trial for psilocybin, and one condition was that I have to get off SSRIs.

I spoke to my psychiatrist and therapist who encouraged me to try it based on the research and my desire to make a big change.

I’m not expecting a panacea, but I’m hopeful that this may help me get off ALL medication for the first time in my life and may help promote the plasticity required for my brain to make some big changes in tackling trauma.

I have 56 days to taper off SSRIs and it’s scary, but so far it’s going ok despite some emotional turbulence and sleep disruption due to insane dreams.

It’s a risk, but I have to see if I can do this. If I can both live free from medication, and truly tackle my demons. If this psilocybin trial gives me a chance to improve my mental health and help that process, I’m willing to try.

I’m both excited and terrified, but I have hope that I will come through this stronger and more resilient than ever… and maybe be able to live a more normal and functioning life as opposed to how my life has been from age 14-39: feeling like a wounded and bleeding animal limping through and trying just to survive.

Stimulant medications fucked he up big time and the recovery from those alone, in my case, is easily 3 years (I’m still not there yet at 19 months), but I can’t pretend that they are entirely to blame. I have to confront why I felt I needed them to be normal and successful, and why they hooked me so deeply.