Around this time 3-6 months i start to slowly lose intrest in being sober. I have a sponsor but i havent been doing the 90 in 90. So i feel like im already fucked because i cant even do that..so that in turns leads me into thinking im going to relapse sooner or later. I should want to go to meetings everyday. I shouldnt still be thinking about slipping back into a tent in the riverbed.

So 2 weeks ago i saw a benzedrex on the shelf as i was waiting to pick up my ocd meds(which i stopped taking) i have heard that it feels like meth so i pocketed it just because and just kept it under my pillow for 2 weeks. I have lowkey been looking for the perfect time to try it. So yesterday that time came i took 1 cotton and got horny for like 30 mins and stimfapped. It was nothing crazy, it didint feel like a relapse. Now im worried about the drug test that will most likely pop for meth. So why not do it again tonight since im already going to get in trouble with my iop program.

Also 800 dollars hit my bank account so i have like 1100 dollars so my mind is thinking im already fucked the wheels are already set in motion,I might as well just fully relapse. So im fantasizing about getting busted for the benz and having to leave the iop and be homeless and thats where i want to be it feels like. Get a motel for a week do a bunch of meth with some hookers and ghb then buy a tent and when im down to 400 ill buy a tent and a ounce of dope and whatever supplies i need for the riverved. Once i exhaust all my dopamine go to salvation army again because thats the type of environment i need to stay sober long enough for my brain to rewire.

Now i know this is all insanity right? I mean im 37 with nothing. I just love the adventure of a binge....sigh. i met with my sponsor today i didint tell him about any of this. Im thinking maybe i can be fine if i just buckle down and dont do it again. If i have to reset my days i for sure ill go on a binge I mean like reset at meetings not on here