I used Meth for 2 years on and off. Earlier this year , after a 4-5 month binge, i stopped cold turkey. My boyfriend also quit drinking the same day, for our relationship and each others health. We are now pregnant, sober and together. . Im a bit proud of myself for quitting and surprised at how easy it was to cut myself off. But i have a few things that are haunting me and im struggling to cope with.

The first thing is I keep having dreams/nightmares about using. I wake up really upset , and worried that I fucked up and put my baby in harms way. The other thing that's more bothersome are the fantasies about returning to use.

All I can think of are how many people during the days i most heavily used and how they all had children. I know damn well it never seemed right and they had endless and similar struggles with the parenting. I've seen kids ask their Mom for food and expect the party to be over and hours went by and I never was asked to leave nor did the Mom excuse herself to make a meal. I was kinda groomed by my Aunt into the drug life and introduced to it through her and know firsthand how that affected my youth and adulthood. I'm 27 now and was 16 when I was first introduced to coaine by her and then stimulants in my 20s. How could I possibly be thinking about returning to my use after getting blessed with a child and coming this far already doing good staying sober.

Have I not learned enough? Sometimes I have a short image of returning to use After I have the baby and I can just see it all; losing my boyfriend , isolating, and losing myself over again.

I'm still very early in the pregnancy so im hoping By the time I have the child these thoughts aren't still brewing in my mental. At the same time, I can see myself being sneaky and just continuing my habit. I've hid it before and I can see myself hiding it again, And I know that it always seems like I can keep it up. But I never can, if you know how that goes. I Feel bad so bad thinking about all this, it's almost as if I'm using again but I haven't.

The main fear i think i have is the thought that the only thing keeping me from relapsing is the baby. Why can't I be happy I stopped for myself as well? I need to wire my brain to feel like I deserve sobriety too. I need to remember I quit BEFORE I knew I was pregnant. I am proud that I stopped for myself, but worried I only am STAYING sober for the baby.