I’m so sorry to everyone who is a parent. I have to start by saying I love my son more than anything I’ve ever loved in my whole entire life. That being said I wake up every. Single. Day. Obsessing over how much easier life was before him. A huge part of me misses the drugs. The rush. The freedom. He truly is the one and only reason I got sober and I’ll be 100% honest when I say that doesn’t feel like enough. I should have wanted it and not had to in order to be successful. My mom did drugs and her mom did drugs and her mom did drugs. This shit runs deeper than just learned behavior but at the same time I REFUSE to give my son a life like I’ve had. Yet I sit here knowing damn well if I was offered a lil yayo rn I would be buying a ball right after to which turns into an oz n turns into meth… I convinced myself so many times that I was functional that I almost think some days I could pull off this whole meth mommy thing (trust me I know I couldn’t which is why I don’t). I just hate that I have these thoughts. I hate missing something so bad for me when I have such a good thing going. I hate being responsible for someone else’s entire life. I hate knowing I’m not cut out for this. I don’t want to be a mom anymore. But I also never want to wake up without this beautiful life I created.