Recently i had a personal issue arise that tested my metal. I found that personality wise i am not the same individual has ive been for roughly 25 years or so. It was a eye opening revelation for me. It had to do with dating and sex.

I realized 2 days ago im not built for "hooking up." im not built for online "dating" culture. It goes against the man i am and what i need in a relationship..................BUT the thing is i was not that way on dope....oh no my friends not at all.

I realized when this happened several things.....one was i had allowed my ego to become bonded to the personality changes meth had "facilitated" in me. It was a personal attack on my own ego to have to admit that im not built for those things......because I USED to be, or, rather, meth built me into the type of personality that was for those things.

Just the sheer revelation of how meth tinkered with the miutia of my persona is kind of shocking.

It does get better. Actually, life is more difficult today than it has ever been in my recovery.....and im doing better than i ever have in my recovery. Mental faculties back. Emotional facuties back. Desire for creativity is back......but seemingly some parts of society do not want me clean(or so it seems, some might say im being tested, i suppoe i COULD see it from that perspective.....but ive been lied to like that before.)......fk em fr fr. those parts of society actually seem methed out to me..........a large part of modern american culture seems methed out to me in fact.....and i dont like it my firends, i dont like it one fkg bit.

Edit: I also do not "feel" my age. I dont know if this is actually common in alot of people or not, or if it actually has something to do with my addiction.....but i feel roughly half my age. Ive just had to accept that this is the way i feel.......just like having to accept that im not comfortable with alot of aspects of "normal" society(like the commoness of hooking up with random people, or only fans, or strip clubs, or hookers, or on-line dating)....i just love myself too much to want to try and lie to myself anymore(i want better out of life,shit, i need better)