I want to go back to my isolated world under a bridge down in the riverbed. Life just seems so dreaful and impossible. The thought of climbing through hoops and ladders to make in society feels soul draining. Im already in a tough spot due my insane life decisions. I have really stunted myself in all important areas of life. It all seems impossible with how much rent and groceries are. Is the juice worth the squeeze?

My brain over the last 20 years has been hardwired for dopamine. Wether it be porn,meth,videogames,heroin or vodka. I pushed each one to edge of death. I found meth in my mid 30s after a decade of heroin and vodka torment. My whole life porn has been a huge problem. Add meth to the equation and i have a real problem.

I gave all my hope up and chased the combo to a tent down at the riverbottom. Alone and able to do whatever i wanted,i felt free. No rent or places i had to be. It was just me and meth and porn. Alone at last. It was like being on survivor (meth island). I felt true independence. The act of getting a snickers bar felt like winning the loto. I was one with nature,wisking away ants and spiders as i stimfapped under the moonlight free from judgement. As a kid i envied tom hanks on castaway. I wanted a friend like wilson. Now i had alot. Wether they were real or not did not matter...

Tldr my brain is craving dopamine and is tricking me into sucking me back into my own tormented heaven.